Today is my 13th anniversary, and AH has been out of the house for 6 weeks now. I thought I had prepared myself emotionally for this day, but it's hitting me like a ton of bricks. In my head I am certain that it's best to end things with him, but I'm still waiting for my heart to catch up. I still have all the wonderful memories of our life together before the disease starting catching up to him, and even now the good still seems to sometimes outweigh the bad.
AH is kind, loving, sensitive, supportive, a great dad, funny, charming, and irresistably handsome. He's also irresponsible, a liar, unreliable, and recently has come to rely on the attention of other women in order to boost his horrible self-esteem.
I've started making lists of all the things I won't miss about being married to him, and all the bad things that have happened in our marriage, but I always end up getting caught in the trap of remembering what a great guy he is underneath it all and how much fun I've had with him over the years. I feel like he is two completely different people. One I love more than life itself, and the other I need to run far away from. I am terrified of a life without him, and even more terrified of living the rest of my life with him.
Since I've started reading here, I keep seeing stories of people who's lives have been filled with peace and calm once they've broken free of their alcoholics. Still waiting for that peace to come. I still love him and miss him terribly and hate what this disease has done to us and our family. I keep thinking of our wedding day and how much love we shared. I never wanted to be divorced, even now, and am having a horrible time coming to terms with it.
