I have to agree with your thinking Naive. I am sorry for your pain brooklyn, but the idea of being divorced, even if you manage to work things out is a good idea when it comes to alcoholics in our lives. I am actually working in that now, and feel much better making progress in that area. I think that we take the word divorce and run with it, but someone once told me "it is almost impossible to LOOSE an alcoholic" and i didn't know what that meant, but i sure do now. no matter what they do or what we do, they hang on until they use up every inch.....I know that i still care deeply for my AH but cannot live with him and take care of myself and mind my own business. I need my own life and my own space that i can be safe and peaceful in. You deserve that too, without surprise visits and little gifts left. You are doing great and i wish i did this long ago. but....and it is a huge BUT, better late than never, for me! good for you for speaking up for yourself and you are entitled to mourn the loss because we always hope that our A's will want to make better choices. It is all i can wish for mine. i sympathize with your tears.