I will definitley keep posting and readin...this forum has been my rock the past few days. When I feel the anxiety and guilt starting to overwhelm me I come right to this page to remind me of the truth. As for how insidious the disease is....wow....like I said...my head knew it was just too close to home. The damage that addiction does even when it wasn't me who took the drink or drug is astounding. The thing nagging me the most looking back is that I called the po. Was it my last ditch effort to gain the control and was it really up to me. Looking back its hard to say what I was thinking. I was so very sick,depressed,and desperate feeling. it haunts me.....ii guess like every thing else this will take time. I am just now beginning to see things more clearly