Dear Hayfrm, You asked "So by being concerned about her welfare am I caring or codependent?" Please checkout "Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence". These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.
http://www.coda.org/tools4recovery/patterns-new.htm
You need to decide for yourself if you actually want a divorce from your wife or if you're just using her drinking and your belief that you can rescue your wife to avoid from getting divorced? You need to remember: You didn't
CAUSE it! You can't
CURE it! and You can't
CONTROL it!
As codependents get older we need to ask ourselves a couple questions:
If I suffered a massive stroke, heart attack, or some other dehabiliating disease would my alcoholic be there to be my caregiver?
Would I want, or could I, become a caregiver for the alcoholic?
I have been forced to know my dry drunk husband wouldn't be there for me. I have been forced to acknowledge that I don't want to be my DDH's caregiver. Throughout our marriage he wouldn't listen to me. As a patient it is necessary to listen to the caregiver.
If you decide you want a divorce from your AW, your attorney can discuss this in your mediation. You might be able to set up some type of settlement handed to your AW in semi-annual annuities where she receives her money based on the condition of her staying sober.
Only God can turn a mess into a message!