(((((lookin4hope)))))
First, let me say WELCOME to Sober Recovery. You have found a great place with lots and lots of ES&H from others who have gone through or are going through what you are now.
Second, since you are in a '12 Step Program', I will tell you what my AA sponsor told me on my 3rd anniversay sober and clean:
"Get thy butt to Al-Anon and get an Al-Anon Sponsor!"
I am so glad, these many years later that I followed that direction. I am one of the Double Winners on this site, with over 29 years sober and clean and over 26 years recovering from Co-dependency.
Third, please, please do not blame yourself, this is the CONSEQUENCES of HIS ACTIONS and HIS ACTIONS only. As far as there being a DV charge on him now, their should be, as he already has a history of violence, and violence usually does escalate.
You have done well in protecting your children and yourself from the insanity. Can you two somewhere down the road get together? Maybe, maybe not. You know from your own 12 step program that only you can fix you, and so it goes for him also. I suspect you also realize that many times the only we can make amends is by our ongoing continuing ACTIONS in all facets of our lives.
For now, might I suggest, no contact, step back and just watch the 'actions' over the next year or two (since he relapsed after 2 years) and wait and see.
Pull up your keyboard and post as often as you need to rant, rave, scream, cry, laugh (yes we do laugh lol) and join us.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we care so very much.
Love and hugs,