lookin4hope

I found this forum the other night in while searching for some sort of comfort in dealing with what I'm going through. I couldn't believe it when I came across a post right away so similar to my story that I almost could have written it. After reading the post and the comments I was reminded of what I should have known all along. I am not alone and there is help. The next day I felt a little different than I had in quite some time and my thoughts were a little different and more clear. This small change and the little bit of relief I felt, however slight, was so welcome. I decided the next day that as part of my healing and recovery I was going to join this forum with the hope I can move toward instead of live in the past and to share my story on the chance that I could help even one person who may be suffering.

My story is not a short one....and it begins the same as many others....

2 years ago I met the most wonderful man....I was not expecting him or looking for him. I had stayed alone a lung time after finally leaving a 5 year abusive relationship with a very sick man. But my cousin insisted.
So we met and hit it off right away. It was love at first site and we were inseparable from that day on.

He was an alcoholic. I was well aware and very familiar with the disease. I am also in a 12 step program as is most of my family( if not they should be). It made no difference to me. He had a little over 2 years clean when we met. His recovery was one of the things I found most attractive about him. He had a gift for helping others and he used it. For the first year and a half it was the healthiest relationship I had ever been in. Recovery came first. We never had to discuss it. We had love, trust, mutual respect, friendship. We grew together and were happy joyous and free. My kids adored him. At the end of everyday no matter how long, hard and busy we made time for each other. I'd never been so happy and content.

I was amazed that god had seen fit to put such a beautiful person in my life. I never took it for granted. We were so much alike yet complimented each other so well. we never found a reason to argue. Friends and family quite often gathered at our house to barbecue, watch sports, and watch movies. It really didn't get any better. And then something changed.

We had spent every night together since we met. On this particular friday he left as usual for his weekly aa commitment.....and didn't come back. By 2 am. I was panicked and called and text his phone several times. No answer. I sat up on the couch all night scared to death. He finally called the next morning apologetic that he had fallen asleep at his moms. I had no reason not to believe him. This was the first of many sleepless nights.

This continued four more weekends in a row and when he finally came home he would sleep on the couch or facing away from me, or sit at the computer for hours on end playing spades. I was beside myself.

My first thought was what had I done? I made numerous attempts to discuss my feelings about the situation but I was always dismissed and told nothing was wrong. Was I crazy?

By the fifth friday we were hardly speaking. I was so hurt and confused. I was convinced there was someone else. What other explanation was there? I came home that saturday after attending a christening WE had been invited to and he was still asleep on the couch. When he woke up he seemed to want to talk. Reluctantly I started to talk to him and it turned into yet another's conversation. He was making no sense. "What are you high?" I asked him out of pure frustration. I never expected him to say yes.

I was floored. He had been drinking and taking pills. I was in shock. The thought had crossed my mind but I couldn't imagine that it could be true. Not him! I had forgotten the power of the disease.

We had a very emotional talk that day. He had wanted to tell me but was afraid. He did not want to lose me and our family. He was sorry. I was hurt but I understood. He was human and he was an alcoholic and relapse is a reality. Of course he deserved a chance. I would want one. After all now that he had gotten honest he would realize what was at stake. The disease dies in the light of exposure. We discussed his options and agreed how dangerous it would be for him to stay if he didn't stop and nothing good could come of it.

I went through the motions of life for the next week waiting to see what would happen. He did not stop.

I tried to listen to my heart instead of my head and asked him to leave. I knew it was a dangerous situation was a huge fight. I ended up leaving for the weekend and when I came back he had taken his things and gone. He left a note apologizing and I was broken hearted. He was living out of his car and sleeping on his moms sofa. I was so torn. His moms house was an overcrowded house full of sick people. They were drinking with him and sharing pills with him. They thought he was more mature now and could handle it. My heart took over. After a few days he was back home. I convinced myself he would have a better chance staying home with me in a healthy environment with me setting a good example. I continued to lie to myself for the next 5 months.

Things became progressively worse as relapse became complete denial and insanity. He became convinced that he could drink and I was the only who had a problem with it. We began arguing and I slowly watched my best friend turn into a stranger. His aa friends had tried to remind him of where he belonged but this had only made him angry and resentful. They kept their distance for the sake of their own recovery as I held on to the false hope that I could fight the disease and win. He surrounded himself with his old friends. They became all that mattered. We were living to separate lives. I held on to what had been and lost myself in trying to find ways to get through to him. Life was miserable and painful. His moments of sanity where he could see what was happening became fewer and fewer. Soon I was the enemy because I refused to tell him that what was happening was ok.

Several times I got up the courage to tell him how unhappy I was and tried to end the relationship. Not because I had given up on him but because I felt myself falling apart. My head knew I could not fix this. This would make him angry. He would threaten suicide. This scared me because several of his immediate family had committed suicide in their addiction. So I would stay. I loved him I told myself and I should stick by him.

Soon things escalated. I was so depressed. Life was one unbearable moment after another. The arguing became worse and soon he was acussing me of cheating and lying. When his car did not start he blamed me. I was blamed for everything. The last 2 weekends we argued he started shoving me and pushing him down. This was not the man I had fallen in love with. I was scared.

I ended up telling his parole officer what was going on rather than lie and pretend everything was ok. I feel horrible for doing this. She told me that he would sit for a couple weeks and the judge would mandate him to inpatient rehab. I was desperate to stop the insanity. They ended up locking him up for a dirty urine but also charged him w domestic violence. These were not my intentions and I wished that I could take it all back.

He has been gone 4 three weeks now and it has been so painful. I feel such guilt anxiety. I miss him. I worry whether he hates me or not.

The first 2 weeks I lay on the couch in depression. I couldn't believe all that had happened. What happened? But why was I so surprised. And how had I let the disease of addiction take everything away. I knew better. I searched on the internet during my sleepless nights looking for some sort of comfort....an explanation even. That is when I found this forum. In the last week I have started cleaning and organizing to keep myself busy. I can't believe what I had let things go. I worked so hard to make a good life for my kids and myself. I had put myself in a position to lose it all.

After finding this forum and being out of the insanity my thoughts are. A little clearer. Y was I blaming myself? I am not the one who relapsed. I never want to go back to that insanity. Do I really think that there's a chance to start over with the man I love? Will he ever forgive me. Did I do the wrong thing. The pain and anxiety are still there. I take life moment to moment. I no I have to let go and let god, there has to be a reason for all this.

I believe the answers will come eventually. Its still a struggle. I no I don't have to do this alone. It is still hard to be strong. I still struggle daily.

I apologize for the great length of my story but it has been a long hard road and it feels good to just share. For anyone who has taken the time to read I greatly appreciate your honest feedback.






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