Old 10-21-2010, 02:10 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
4mylittleones
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Winnipeg, MB
Posts: 36
Sober, Relapse, Rehab...when is it safe to break no contact??

Hi there. I've only ever posted once or twice on here, but I've read countless threads and see the wisdom and experience so many of you have. I am hoping for some of that today.

My XAH and I have two children - boys - 16 and 7 years old. The oldest is not his biologically, but he adopted him when he was 6 and he's been the only father he's known.

I don't need to go through our whole history, but I was worried for a long time that my X had a drinking problem, and at the end of the marriage I knew he was an alcoholic. When we first split he only had the boys for short periods and he would pick them up at my place and drop them off after a couple of hours. This went on for 6 months or so, and gradually I let him take them for longer periods and then for weekends. I knew he was still drinking, but he was adamant he wouldn't drink when he had the boys and I believed him. He was always an honest person, even to this day I would say he is extremely honest...except when it comes to alcohol.

Anyway, for two years he's had visitation every other weekend and weekday visits for a couple of hours. My oldest son didn't often go though, they had many conflicts over the years and my X has problems dealing with him.

So, this past February my X sent me an email saying he was done and wanted to go to rehab. I thought....wow, finally, he's admitting he had a problem! Finally I know I was right! I know now this was not a healthy reaction, but in my mind I believed he would get better once he admitted he had a problem. Things have become much worse since that day in February. He has relapsed many times, and over the last few months I knew he wasn't doing well, but knew there was nothing more I could do. I just made sure the kids were always safe. He was supervised at all times after that first relapse.

So, I was trying really had to go NC. Of course when there are kids involved that is pretty much impossible, but I did my best. I fell several times and got sucked in, but I was getting better. Kept it to visitation and activities, finances, etc. Over the last 2 months he was almost not seeing the kids at all and then twice in one week he cancelled last minute because he was drinking in the morning (his admission). After the second cancellation he said he was in "a new recovery" so I wished him luck and then suggested he work on his recovery and when he felt stronger to email me about setting up a visitation. Left it at that.

A week later (not quite) he emailed me in the middle of the night saying he was suicidal and the ONLY reason he wasn't ending it was that he couldn't do that to our youngest son (not sure why he wouldn't be concerned about the older one too??). I know he might have been hoping for me to reply...and of course, this worked. I had a couple emails with him and found out he was missing work and drinking non stop for a week (he had done this twice before). I forwarded his emails to his friend (best man at our wedding) and asked his friend to help him. I couldn't do it again.

So, my X had to beg, but they have accepted him into a 28 in-patient treatment here in the city and he started there this week. I can officially say this is the first time he's worked harder at getting help for himself than I have. I'm very happy and relieved about this.

Now, I've been happy and relieved before....and then I was lied to. I trusted him with my children and found out he didn't put their safety first.

Here is my question....this is where I would like your opinions. When he comes out, and even while he's in there he would like to see the boys. I don't want to keep them from him - I never have wanted to. Is it unhealthy for me to let him visit the boys in my home? I had been doing that, but then when the lies started (I can tell almost right away if he's started drinking again) I decided it wasn't healthy for me. My house is a decent size, so he is able to visit in a different area of the house so I only really see him when he's coming and going. I also want to be supportive of his recovery, but part of me is afraid of going through all of this again.

If you made it through all of this (I tend to be long winded) I thank you and look forward to your thoughts.

Thanks!
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