learning2luvme

I was in an abusive relationship as well. Verbal/emotional...and at times physical. Its a terrible way to live. I was pushed around...screamed at constantly while he was angry...choked...ahhh...that part scared me more than anything along with the look upon his face while he was doing it!!! I was soooo torn apart wondering WHY??? What have i done to deserve this??
Truth is...theres was NOTHING that i had done to be treated in that manner. This guy was a mess...alcholic/porn addicted/selfish/messed up/sorry excuse of a man. I had ALOT to learn as to why i CHOSE to give six years to a man that didnt even love himself...so how could i have ever thought he could possibly love me!
Change didnt come until i made a choice to quit trying to save his sorry azz...and decided im the would who needed saving..because i was close to loosing something i probbly needed for what time i possibbly had left...MY MIND!!!!
They are not always on their worst behaviour...they show us the so called good side...the charming...for all appearances LOVING...seemingly strong side of them!!! If not...we wouldnt have fallen for them in the first place. And slowly but surley the bad side rears its ugly head..kinda catches you off guard...its like whoa...were did that come from!!! Sooo..you begin to question yourself about the choice you have made...only to have him assure you..that will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!!! Baby im so sorry, i dont know what i was thinking. Please forgive me...you will wont you???
And all is well...atleast for just awhile...and you think it was just a caught up in the moment thing...seems to be behind us now. A week or two goes by and before you know it...anger over some ( seemingly small incident)...leaves him furious and in your face!!! And instead of telling yourself (its time to go...you had your chance..you have shown me who you really are..its over!)
NOPE...we begin to think...what am i dong so wrong...i need to change..ive got to take a good look at what ive done to upset him. Hes just really stressed latley...ill be more loving..and patient..and understanding..and we will get through this...hes drinking more latley...I AM WOMAN...I CAN FIX THIS!!! And before you know it...hes hurting you and and breaking you down with words alone...never mind the fact hes physically tearing you down as well...But the one who should matter the most is being neglected and abused...still trying to hold on and change/fix/love...be there for...this...man.
Before you know it...you have made up so many excuses for him...over black eyes...and degrading remarks against you...and that drunken episode..it was just the alchol(wasnt it) brings out the worst in everyone(doesNT it!) He really loves me(dont he?) says nobody else would really want me!!! Ive already stayed a year or two...guess i need to see this thru!! No body seems to understand..they dont really know my....man. Not like i do(?) (?) (?)
Sorry...just got carried away. Its just the point im trying to make is this..nobody deserves to be treated with disrespect. Nobody deserves to be abused. You cant save/fix/or help ANYBODY...who is happy being just the way they are. You are responsible for taking care of the person who should matter the most....AND THATS YOU!!! Theres no excuses...i had to quit making excuses for him...and start asking myself How the hell did YOU end up here...and what are YOU going to do about it. I educated myself about abusive relationships...about alchol addiction...about co-depedance..i read every book i could get my hands on..every web site that held some truth as to my situation(INCLUDING soberrecovery) sooooo...needless to say..it was time to put what i learned into action.
Im in a much better place today...and it breaks my heart when i hear stories of abuse. I just want to leave you with this....theres only ONE you...YOU deserve so much more out of the ONE life you have been given! Dont let ONE more day pass you by wasting it away on someone who says they love you/want you/need you...when their actions show they have no idea what love is even about!!! If you find yourself in a abusive relationship..you are NOT helpless...you are NOT hopeless...you just have some hard choices to make! And if...hopefully when.. you find yourself saying ENOUGH IS ENOUGH...take what you have learned...and share it with others. Because trust me....hearing and reading that i was not alone...gave me strength and saved my life!!! Love you guys..and thanks for being open..honest..and REAL!!