hi and welcome-
for myself, the thing i couldn't deal with were the lies. it broke the trust. i could have handle overt drinking even. but the lies made me suspicious. and then i became someone else. i started snooping and even more lies were uncovered. i had no idea that he lied so much. and it wasn't just about drinking. the more i snooped, the more i uncovered, the more i requested validation, the more i didn't get it, the crazier and more determined i became.
the lying and the hiding breaks down the very fabric of a relationship. a normal drinker wouldn't have a probelm discussing their drinking with a therapist. not a good sign that this one particular subject is off-limits, yet it is the very thing which is breaking you down.
another thing i learned is that drunks are very selfish. they think of themselves. they don't care that they are hurting you. they don't care that you are suffering along with them in their drinking. they will deny, deny, deny until you begin to question your very sanity.
do yourself a favor. nip this in the bud. determine what your boundaries are, communicate them and stick to them. boundaries are not about controlling the other person; they are about protecting yourself.
i would render a guess that you haven't even discovered how much she is drinking yet. this is all new to you but from what you have described, it's pretty classical.
one tool that i found very useful to breaking out of my own denial, was to journal every day. i noted things like what money was spent on, what drink i though he had drank, any inconsistencies....after a few months, the true picture started to emerge.
glad you are going to alanon and reconnecting with your therapist. focus on yourself and what you want. you can't control her.
as for the tension in the house, i think that is because she refuses to admit there is a problem yet you are suffering daily from it. take your own space as you require...i moved into the guest room of our home...that helped me have a space i could retreat to...
keep posting, keep talking, keep reading. we are here to help 'cause we've been there.
naive x