My First Post - Out of the Blue....
I have been poking around some posts here and have found many of them very cathartic. So much so – that I wanted to put my own story out here.
My story is a recent one. Three weeks ago I thought I had the perfect marriage, but I have come to the harsh reality that my wife has a drinking problem. We’ve been married for three years and together for seven. It started about six months ago when I found her for the first time drinking a beer at 9 AM in the morning and hiding it from me. Obviously, I thought something was up, but I moved on and never really addressed the issue. Three weeks ago, I stumbled in on her again having a beer at 9 AM in the morning.
Both times I caught her it was obvious that there is a sense of shame that I had caught her. Now, my “senses” were up in a thought I would be more diligent about keeping an eye on her drinking. The very next week, unbeknownst to her, I watched the level of wine in two bottles go down on both Saturday and Sunday morning. She put away about a half bottle each morning.
On Monday evening I confronted her about her drinking and she completely denied the fact that she had been drinking wine on Saturday and Sunday morning. The denial was humbling. I never thought my wife would lie directly to my face. I had a complete emotional breakdown and could barely keep it together. The next Monday (two days ago) I wrote her a letter addressing everything I wanted to say previously (before I melted down). She read the letter and basically dismissed it as me overreacting – being “dramatic”.
From what I've gathered my wife is a “functional alcoholic”. She’s not a party girl and to be honest, I don't think she really likes to get wasted. I think she drinks just enough to numb the pain. She's had a very difficult childhood, and I know she has some self-esteem issues. I also know that it will not get better. With time her drinking will progress.
All she wants is for things to go back to ”normal”, but I told her that I cannot be in denial about her drinking. I know she is sick. I know that there is nothing I can do to stop her from drinking, but is still doesn't help the fact that I'm scared, confused, and angry. My emotions, and her denial, have created an intense tension in our household that we have never experienced together.
Last night, when she came home from work, I was feeling angry and resentful. I'm not good at hiding my feelings and she obviously knew that something was up. When she asked me “what’s wrong” I nearly blew up. Again, it's the denial. I thought – how could she not have a clue as to “what’s wrong”?
The tension progressed that evening, and I told her that I was going to go to Al-Anon meeting, which I did and found to be helpful. She asked “why are you doing this to me?”. I told her that I am having a difficult time coming to terms with her drinking problem and that I was going to the Al-Anon meeting for myself. In the end, she packed a bag and left the house (she manages a local inn and got a room there). She says she feels like a stranger in her own house, and that she doesn't know if she can be married to someone who makes her feel this way.
Keep in mind, three weeks ago, the idea of ever being separated from my wife was not a possibility. To me, if we were to get separated, than the “cat is out of the bag”. Our separation would be a total shock amongst our friends and family. As far as everyone is concerned, we are a model couple, and I have no idea how she would go about explaining a separation. She is intensely private person, and I have not mentioned this to anyone, but if people were to ask me I would tell them the truth.
One note, we currently do not have children. But, I'm 36 years and would like to have some soon. One of my major concerns (and thoughts that I cannot get rid of) is that I cannot consciously have a child with her now knowing that she is in denial about her drinking. This would not be fair to our future children. She knows that I would like to have kids, and is open to the idea, but she is scared of the changes and responsibilities that come with having them. Now, I realize one of the changes is likely the fact that she would need to stop drinking while being pregnant.
Okay… If you're still with me, here's the crux of my issue. I feel like the tension in the household and her need to leave last night is a direct consequence of her denial of her drinking problem. I’m fine with that. I didn’t chase her down, plead her not to leave, or call her late at night. On the other hand, the tension (the only consequence she’s likely ever faced) is directly caused by my feelings and emotions, which is not healthy or sustainable. I feel like it’s a Catch-22. What to do??? If I mitigate my feelings than there’s not more tension. No more tension means no more consequences. No more consequences means it’s back to normal. Back to normal means she’s sneaking drinks. Sneaking drinks means no children. No children means why am I in this relationship???
More than once I have told people that I love being married and that I love my wife. We are extremely affectionate and our love for each other has been undeniable. Our relationship has been a beautiful one, and I feel like alcohol has taken a big dump on it.