Thank you for your responses, I am so grateful to be able to say how I feel without being judged and to get rid of the icky feeling within. It is all a lot to take in. I feel like my mind is racing a mile a minute about whether I really am one or not. I bought the book Under the Influence at the bookstore today and have started reading it. It kind of goes against everything I thought. That it is physiological first and foremost rather than psychological. That even before I showed any outward problems with it, that my cells were already working against me. That I metabolize it differently. It is baffling.
I do plan on attending an AA meeting and seeing how that goes. The thought of never drinking again, not even a little, ever, is hard to take in. I am trying to look at it as a one day at a time thing rather than that. If I don't have a problem, then it shouldn't be a big deal to abstain, right? Ugh, I just don't know. I feel like I just keep realizing more and more about myself and my behaviors as the minutes pass and I'm doing this constant thinking. I have always felt that my mind kind of worked against me as I get way too ahead of myself. I want all the answers, and a solution NOW, and I know that is just not the way that life works for any of us.
I need to do so much hard work on myself. With my depression. With my anger. Although for some reason I feel like admitting this problem has softened some of my anger towards XABF and AF. It's just so very eye opening. I can't really think of much else to post because my brain is so jumbled trying to sort everything out, but again I truly from the bottom of my heart appreciate the response, and the chance to have people who are so caring, and non judgemental to listen to me.