acceptance etc
however slightly it is, i feel a shift. i feel a slight awakening, like the earliest stages of possible change.
acceptance.
i am accepting that she really is an addict. she is not just using, but is an addict.
i am accepting that even though it may be beyond her control, she cannot stop right now.
i am accepting that i have to let go,
i fear she won't get help tomorrow, or the next day, or next week, but that it can be months or years.
i have seen women out there who have been addicts for 10-20 years. there are people who live that life that long and i have to accept that she may be that statistic.
i fear that i will run back out there when she asks me to.
i will not give money
i fear she can end up in a dark alley or field, alone, overdosing or beaten. alone. unable to move, unable to make a sound beyond a whisper, regretting everything.
i have to trick myself into not obsessing about how bad this all is- that she is on hard drugs, living on the streets
i have to accept that i have to worry about me, and take care of me.
i have to remember to remember this