missb89

I don't know how to go about posting this. I was reading through the excerpts from "Under the Influence" and it's really got me scared... I didn't want to think about it or admit it to myself but I am genuinely worried. I will give you the run down of my drinking first. I am 21 years old. I go out with my friends who are all partiers three or four times a month, but I don't see many of them any other time besides when drinking. I can drink a lot, and still act normally. The past few times that I've went out, I've blacked out at least 30 minutes of the night, usually right before bed. My hangovers have lately gotten to the point where I have panic attacks the whole next day, and cannot think clearly and just feel completely off.

I have not progressed to the point yet to where I abandon my daughter, or put drinking before her or anybody else in my life. I do not feel emotionally eroded yet. I just feel embarrassed and scared. When I do get the chance to go out I get out of control. I tried to rationalize this by saying that I never get to go out, so I try to take as much advantage of my freedom while I am out. I am starting to see how this is not normal. I feel like a fraud for posting here while all the while hiding my problem to myself, and the people here. Just reading those excerpts about how my cells probably have been adapting the whole time since I ever started drinking, before any of the negative effects even showed up. This terrifies me. I am still not sure if I am indeed an alcoholic, or just a problem drinker.

I have looked into problem drinking and am hoping that is what I am. But I haven't a clue. Thinking about quitting drinking forever does scare me. I feel like a hypocrite for focusing so much on XABF and AF and not on myself. Was I so disgusted with their drinking because I saw the possibility in myself to end up that way? I don't know what to think right now but I do know I need to buy that book and read it all.