UsedToBeAPearl

Hi everyone, I'm new here and I'm really glad that I stumbled across this website. Over the last weekend, it has greatly helped me to understand that there are people out there who are in similar situations as mine. I'm sorry this post will be long.....

I have been dating my BF for 5 years, and living together for 4. I finally realized he was an alcoholic about 2 years ago, but I think I was just in denial. The last year especially has been very difficult on me. We, as a couple, have really fallen out of tune, but I can't get the courage up to leave him. It started about 6 months ago when he was off work for a month because of gout...why gout? Because he drinks, he was also hospitalized for a short period of time because of fatty liver, and he's only 27! It just got worse from there. He did stop drinking for about 3 weeks and the gout attack went away and he went back to work, but I found him drinking again shortly thereafter. It started small and just got really out of hand.

There have been many nights where he has left and gotten into his car and drove away because for some reason or another he was mad at me. I tried and tried to get him not to drive, but trying to take his keys away just usually got me hurt by him shoving me off. I would try to go to bed, but recieve phone calls at 2, 3 o'clock in the morning from him or his dad saying that he's going to committ suicide. So I'd get in my car and try to find him, which I usually would and just end up coming home on my own and he would stumble in at some other time. From there it just got worse.

One night, I heard from him saying he was on his way home from work. Hours later I hadn't heard from him. I stayed up late and saw his truck had rolled over in an accident on the 11 o'clock news. I called the hospital and rushed over. He was fine, thank God and so were the other people. But he did admit to me that he had a few beers with a co-worker after work, which I found strange because he never drinks beer. Needless to say, his liscense was suspended for 30 days, but there have yet to be any charges laid.

That seemed like a blessing in disguise. He knew he really had to turn his life around and we attended AA meetings together twice. He told me he was going more often, but I don't think he ever went again. We even went to an Al-Anon meeting together, which I thought opened up his eyes as to what I was going through, but now I know it didn't.

He was sober (cold turkey) up until the end of July, that last week, I went out of the country with my family on a vacation and came back and noticed he wasnt the same. It has basically been like that up until now. He [B]says he is sober, but I know he isn't. I know how he acts and talks when he's been drinking. I know what he eyes, mouth look like etc. I can smell it! He isn't drinking every day, like he used to, but probably at least 4-5 out of 7 he does. I could never catch him doing it though!

A few weeks ago, I noticed his closet door hanging over a bit, and snooped (please don't judge, I don't like admiting this!), there is a HUGE mountain, and I mean MOUNTAIN of Vodka bottles. I know they weren't there a few months ago, so I guess I found his stash. I have caught him 3 times in the act since July, once last week (bottle under the bed comforter), but he still won't admit that he was drinking. It's like he tries to turn it around on me, like makes me think that I'm dreaming this up because I want him so badly to drink again. I feel crazy because after a while, I actually begin to think I'm going crazy!

I have talked to my family about it, I actually just told them the tip of the iceburg of what I'm going through a few months ago. I don't like talking about my personal life to many people as I feel ashamed about it. Obviously, they want me to move out and move back home. The problem is (and I know some of you will think it's stupid), but I have a cat and a rabbit, they are essentially my extended family and I will have to give them up to move back home, which isn't an option at all. Consequently, I don't have the funds to actually move out on my own, and finding an apartment in this area that will take animals is few and far between. They are all I have and I can't imagine having to give up my animals for my stupid relationship. It's just not worth it.
My parents say that they will help out, or I could go to my extended family (grandparents) to ask for some assistance with monthly payments etc. But I really can't bear the pain to talk to them about my situation, it makes me so emotional just to think about it.

I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do. When he is sober, we are best friends and have the greatest times, but when he drinks (and there is no chance in hell he'll admit it, even if I catch him), I can't stand to be stuck in this house. I see myself being single and happy, but can't get the courage to move out! How do you move out when this person is still here! And will do ANYTHING in their power to keep you here! I understand how manipulative he is to me, yet I sit an do nothing, I feel like I am my own worst enemy.

To make matters worse....it's my birthday on thursday and I am not looking forward to it as I know he'll do something to make me have the crappiest day on earth. I want to go out with some girlfriends from work (something I haven't done in 3 years because he makes it so hard for me to, or just shows up at the bar), but he's turning it on me saying that I'm going to cheat on him. What do I do!

I'm sorry, I guess I'm just rambling now, I don't even know what to say anymore. I feel stuck. I'm young, 25, and I feel like I hate my life, I feel like I wish I haden't of even met this person. I don't feel like me anymore, and I hate it. I used to be so carefree, so outgoing, I had so many friends...and now...nothing, because it's just easier to stay home, night after night, then to go out and be scared to come home and see the person he has become and hear his wrath of what I did or didn't do.

I need some words of encouragement, because I don't know how much longer I can do this....

Thank you for all your support.