So I talked to him this weekend...
I thought I was strong.
And I thought I didn’t really care.
I knew it would hurt but had no idea how much.
And this is just the beginning…
I’ve read many threads on here where people talk about missing their alcoholics and feeling bad for them and wanting to help them and I didn’t get it. I got married because I was 17 and pregnant. I had wanted to break up with him then because even then I saw he had a drinking problem but I was too late. I didn’t have those madly deeply in love feelings. I liked him. He was a good friend but I never would have said he was the love of my life. We’ve made a good team raising our family and he’s a good person. I might be able to love him desperately if he was my husband all the time (instead of checking out every night with his bottle) and if he could learn to stop getting so mad about every little thing. If he was the person around me that he is to everyone else I bet I could love him with all of my heart. But he’s not so I thought that this would be easier for me, less painful… I was so wrong.
I had a talk with him Friday night. He said he couldn’t promise me he would never drink again. This was early in the conversation when we were saying that we’re both good people, just want different things out of our lives and we can do this and be friends and still be a good team when it comes to the kids… Later he asked if it would make a difference if he stopped drinking. I don’t remember what I said, probably that I don’t know. Much later we brought up counseling. I don’t remember who brought it up first. He said he doesn’t trust counselors because they always tell us we should get a divorce. I said “well…” and he said, “yeah, I guess that’s probably going to happen anyway.”
He said he’s sorry for hurting me and wanted to make sure I knew that he never meant to and he hopes I have some good memories and not just all bad. He told me when he was in Vegas he just kept thinking about what a jerk he’s been and feeling bad about that. He said he wants to make sure the kids and I are ok financially. He wants to make sure the credit card is paid off and that the roof is repaired asap so I don’t have to worry about that. And then we just talked about general stuff for a while and he asked if we could at least start talking again. I hadn’t been talking to him any more than necessary because I didn’t want to just get lulled back into thinking everything was fine only to have them gradually return to the way they were. So yeah, we can talk and we just caught up on things going on at work and stuff.
The rest of the weekend was ok. He was looking at houses in the morning and talking about how much more expensive it is to rent than to buy and should he buy something close? Will the kids even go over? We hardly see them now as it is. Maybe he’d be better off getting a house up in the mountains an hour away that he would love. And I thought about him sitting in his little house alone and it broke my heart. And he mentioned again needing to pay off the credit card and getting a new roof and needing to get new stuff for his new home but I wouldn’t have to worry about that, that would be his responsibility and I left the room and took a shower and sobbed.
This is so hard!
I DO NOT want to just let things slide and go back to the way they were. At first I was just shocked that he seemed to care. I really didn’t think he did. He might not but I didn’t expect him to act like he did. It took me by complete surprise and I didn’t know how to react to that. I had hope that I didn’t expect to have and it made me think maybe….
Now that I’ve had some time I can see some things that should be red flags for me. He didn’t say he would stop drinking. He made excuses for his drinking (I only have 3 a night, that time I got scary it was because I had been drinking tequila, I’ve really cut back, the last time I quit for a while I started again because you didn’t say anything and I figured I might as well start again because what good is it doing me? etc…) He hasn’t really committed to counseling. Even yesterday, I was lying in bed crying because I was just sad about the whole thing and he came in and put his arms around me and cried too and after a while said we need to cry together more often and talk to each other and help each other through it. (I don’t remember the exact words but it mirrored something he was saying Friday night about us just helping each other through it and not needing counseling.)
I DO NOT want to just let things slip back to the way things were. We went through something similar years ago. He cried and said he was sorry and it was ok for a while but not for long enough. I don’t want to be in this same place in another 15 years… I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to see him hurt. But he keeps hurting me.
I can not believe how hard this is. Or how bad it hurts. Or how easy it is to believe. And how bad I feel for him…