Thank you all so much!
It gives me strength and hope just reading your posts. It's a real comfort to know that I'm not the only one who reacts like this.
Yes I care deeply about my wife and my marriage. I guess this wouldn't be so hard if I didn't care any more. Most people professionally and personally see me as totally capable and together. I guess that's where the shame comes in. If they only knew how very fragile and human I am at times!
I'm sure one component is that my mother died (many years ago) of a debilitating disease. To cope with the pain, the doctors had put her on many strong opiates. I'm sure that in her final year or so she was an addict. She could become unpredictably irrational at the slightest provocation. I guess that's why to this day I never felt comfortable in the presence of very drunk people.
Thank you again for all of your comments.