lostfrmbetrayal

(hope i did that "quote part" right)

LIVE

The last 49 days have been overwhelming, to say the least.

Since I have still told no one, I've been in this alone - aside from the help here on SR. I strayed from SR for a couple of weeks because I wondered why I was allowing "strangers" to give me advice about a relationship they hadn't been living every day?
That they knew nothing about?
Why am I allowing people who don't even know me... or him to read only MY story and then express judgement?
Why am I pouring my heart out on the internet to people who have no idea who I am or what I've REALLY been going through?

.....then it dawned on me. WOW.. no other 'people' EVER have been MORE right.

Let's back up though -

A day hasn't gone by since 8-29-10 that he hasn't done everything in his power to convince me that staying with him would be the best choice I could ever make in my life. The 58 cell phone calls a day. The literally 100-120 text messages a day... the emails... the instant messages... the phone calls at work... trying to show me he is now transparent and being as "accountable" as humanly possible and portraying emmence remorse and sadness. My favorite is: "I know my whole life has changed because of this Lisa, I'll never be that person again." and "I get the mind-movies too Lisa, except mine are of the pain I saw in your face that day. I'd never seen emotional pain like that before." I ALLOWED it all to continue.

You see... I am not proud of what I am about to say - but I am a truth seeker and if I want to TRULY help myself as I've always wanted to do in my life... then HONESTY is the only way to get there. By honesty... I mean honesty ABOUT MYSELF.

I ALLOWED him to continue to 'persuade' me on how good it's going to be now. Because that is what my HEART needed. I continued to allow him to convince and coerce me into believing that I WILL heal one day, even with him - and I WILL be able to trust him again - and I WILL have a wonderful life with him. Again, all the while ALLOWING it because this is what my heart needs so badly. It felt good to me that he was miserable... it felt good to me that he was hurting... I WANTED him to grovel... continue to show his overwhelming remorse... continue to kiss my ass and do and say whatever I wanted. Loved it... I'm sick too, remember? So again, I'm not very proud of this behavior of mine... and thank goodness I'm not proud of it... thank goodness.

For 49 days I've been battling MYSELF!!! Not HIM!!! Not what happened... but MYSELF!

My heart keeps telling me to run to him, because he loves you so much and NEEDS you so much and is soooooo very miserable without you... RUN! RUN TO HIM..... because THIS is what is going to make that CRIPPLING pain go away in my HEART. ....and it did. ... it worked everytime. it temporarilly healed my heart... for the moment.

My brain and my gut however... they STRONGLY disagree. They KNOW Lisa.. they know her pretty f'ing well!

Here is how they battled:

When I ALLOWED my heart to take control and spend time with him... it was a FALSE sense of RELIEF. I know this now... But when my heart was in control... I was the Lisa that I haved missed sooooo much for so many weeks now... it was the caring, somber, loving, sweet, attentive, sensitive, empathetic, helpful, calm, selfless, giving and happy Lisa that had been missing for so long. It made me feel "good" and as much as he enjoyed me being that way again - I was able to see (even when he thought for sure I wasn't looking) that he did feel bad. It was almost like when I was the 'real' Lisa... he would feel worse - he would hate himself more for what he did when I was "nice & sweet".

So... I would go on for 1 full day being "myself" again...
but then POW!!!! I would wake up the next morning and the moment I sat up in bed a very heavy baseball bat came barrelling at my head..... BAM!!
Time to SELF-PUNISH!
Screaming at myself.... how DARE you be so nice to that son-of-a-bitch? How DARE you show him any sensitivity... any empathy, sweetness and selflessness!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU???!!

Ya know, nothing is WRONG with me! I'm a human being... I'm a GOOD human being, with a gracious heart... and if that's a crime... then we need more criminals! That's just Lisa TRYING to forgive.. so I can get that instant gratification of a "painless heart" - we are only human to want to stop hurting... and to do almost anything to make it stop hurting.

I would HATE myself for DAYS, just for being nice to him for one day.

I took it out on him. HARSHLY... BADLY... I thought because he was willing to take it, it was what I was SUPPOSED to be doing. I thought it was what was going to make my brain and gut part "feel better" -But it made me feel worse... even UGLY. It also scared me something awful to think: "Remember what you're mom said... if you keep your eyes crossed like that for too long, they'll stay that way!" I got scared... if I continue on like this... I might STAY this way! The Lisa I personally worked hard to become would vanish - and I would be this nasty, bitter bitch that would only grow old alone.

Counseling was OK... I decided that I would not go back to the 1st one that HE located. I found my own. I called the therapist that got me through my mothers death. I was comfortable with him.. but we only saw him once. Our second appointment was last week. I cancelled it and re-scheduled an appointment for JUST ME.

No, I wasn't married to this man... but when I committed to him and decided that I was not going to date nor have any emotional or sexual relationships with any other men because of my committment to him... having that piece of paper or not didn't mean anything when it comes to MY MORALS. I was committed... I was in it for "better or worse" - married or not. A committment is a commitment - and my word is my word. I personally, take my WORD very seriously.

SO

I never moved out of my house. Never put it on the market.

I swallowed ALL of my pride (and I know you will all think this is silly.... but dammit! this was one of the hardest parts!!!) and I walked into my sons original school with my head held as high as I could raise it.... only 5 weeks from when I was there last to WITHDRAW him.... I was so full of fear that my son's school was going to view me as UNSTABLE... UNFIT... UNABLE to keep a stable household for this child... sooo scared.

But... I've learned that you can't be brave without first being scared.

I changed him back to his original school and re-enrolled him in his original daycare facility. Since... my brain and intelligence have shown up again (man-o-man they have been showing up A LOT MORE lately ) and I realized that I'm smarter than that to think that way because I'm actually doing the stable thing here.. not the unstable thing! I realized duh.. do you have to tell them what REALLY happened? Hell no! Goodness NO! LOL Just change him back with your head held high and with "matter-of-fact" in your voice and your tone and that's it!!

Know what? That was it! I stressed soooooo long... weeks I waited to make this change out of humiliation... that it was going to be "one of the hardest things I've ever had to do" - turns out... I did it just like I said I would... and I received only smiles and "ok's" -

It took a degree of acceptance to make the change.... because I know also, that deep down it was fact.. if I move my son back to his original school knowing no matter what, I'll never uproot him like that again - well... that kinda means I've just put a nail in my relationships coffin....

My son is soooooo happy to be back in his school - it's been 2 weeks now... however he is very sad that we aren't moving in - "YET".

DON'T FREAK OUT - I am NOT moving in with this man.. and agree with me or not.. this is how I've decided to handle things with my son... I will "ween" him off of this man, while keeping them seperated 100% of the time. It'll work.. I'm sure of it.

So - where am I with HIM since I moved my son back? Well... 1st off, the day before my appointment to move him back he did everything in his power to change my mind... EVERYTHING. Because he also KNEW... if I move my son back - there is NO chance that I'm moving into HIS home, at least not anytime soon --in his mind... not to mention, I had already advised him that I truly don't give a **** that you have torn up your house. I've now come to the conclusion that I will NEVER live in THAT house. So then what's his next con? "OK.. then I'm fixing this one up as quick as possible, selling it and buying us a new home.... OUR home Lisa - that WE can share.. and we can have a great life"...

Now.. these past 6 days... leading up to just yesterday (Saturday) morning.. I have been the WORST to him that I have EVER been to ANYONE. I think secretly hoping that he would finally throw his hands up -tell me F-U and be done already! Cuz my coward ass is scared to death to make a choice... I can't dare trust my own judgement right now! Look at where my original judgement got me! I can't trust myself! Please... tell me to F-off and GO ! It never came... he just keeps taking the abuse.... showing the remorse and telling me how sorry he is and how much he loves me still.

I took a HUGE step yesterday.. mole hill to you guys - MOUNTAIN for me - but I got to the other side... no matter how bad I wanted him to continue to validate and help "make my heart feel better" with his text messages and loving and convincing phone calls... I took the step to subscribe to "Smart Limits" through AT&T for $5 a month - can block up to 15 phone #s on my cell.

I DID IT !!!!! It took me 6 hours from when I purchased this feature (lol) but -never the less... I DID IT! I blocked allll his phone #'s... I'm sure that this is going to bring me some anguish tomorrow at work... he WILL blow my phone up tomorrow at work - but... like a big girl - I'll cross that bridge when I get to it (a mere 13 hours from now) and I'll solve it tomorrow - cuz I still gotta get through today!

So... he called, got blocked and then...... You got it! He came to my house. I had my son home... neighbors all around - I was so embarrassed that he was saying "awe Lisa, come on... let me in... I have your Sweetest Day present.. cmon!" He's never been violent with me... however still - I told him to meet me on the back patio... that we can talk for a few minutes there.

It's a good thing I did... It only made me stronger!

Ironically, before he came over - I came BACK to SR and re-read my post/thread... it's AMAZING what I missed while in the fog !! WOWOWOOW!!! I'm a bit stronger now... have always been a tough girl.. a fighter.. and maaan.. re-reading really hit home.

So as he was talking to me... pulling out all his same tricks - can I just say that all he did was VALIDATE everything that everyone has been saying here all along... I was ACTUALLY able... through some miracle.. to SEE each and every single trait of a sociopath with every single slimy word that came from his lips... even sicker? WE BOTH KNEW IT !!! He knows I'm on "a site" that is schooling me about his kind... he MUST have seen the lightbulb go off in my head... I swear to you he saw it... we both just smiled.. in a sick way! He knew I was seeing right through it! He flipping knew it!! I believe they have that skill too....

That was yesterday afternoon. He can't call so resorted to email.. "I'm fricking dyin' over here Lisa, I should be there with you" - my immediate thought was

"hmmmm... why do you say that? Then WHERE are you and with WHOM are you with?"

Now please understand... I don't think I neccessarily give a crock where or with whom he is with anymore... the point is - that what my brain had just absorbed with that thought was the TRUTH. The truth that no matter what, I will ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS think that and feel that with someone who has done this to me.
And you know what? I'm better than that...I DESERVE better than that... my son deserves a mother that seeks TRUE happiness.. a mother that doesn't SETTLE or live the rest of her life "getting over something... or simply learning how to live with something".

No more. His emails have all been blocked. I've blocked his instant messages in my messenger window... and then did one even better. Since I have his passwords to his messenger accounts... I logged in as him and removed every trace of me there had ever been. I've blocked him from my son's phone (because he called it at 3am - bad call on his part, cuz I saw it coming and had my sons phone by my side in case... and because it just continues to validate my current feelings.) Blocked from my home phone as well. Again work... work is my next "blocking obstacle".

So today... I'm still feeling strong. I don't know what tomorrow morning is going to bring... and I don't know what he is going to do tomorrow (or even tonight) as he continues to grow more and more desperate (finding other phone #'s to call me from - because if he blocks his phone # before calling, that comes thru and he still at least gets the opportunity to leave me a coercive, convincing message).

But.. I guess I'll have to just wait and see what's next and hope that my decisions are the RIGHT decisions... because then I know I'll get through whatever is coming my way.

So, how have I done guys? are you a little proud of me? I know it's not much - and it "took me long enough" but it sure seems HUGE to me... it's a step is SOME direction!