There is a good brochure at Alanon that describes detachment. It begins along the lines of "Detachment is neither cold or uncaring...."
It is, however, a new, unfamiliar experience to the loved one of an alcoholic. It is not the norm for us. We have lived our days obsessing over the next action/inaction of our alcoholic. We began to sacrifice our needs as we focused on meeting the needs of an alcoholic. We were sure we could love them into a healthy lifestyle.
When I became aware of my actions, I started looking for ways to change. I was living in reaction mode. I needed to learn to live my life is "response" mode. It was time to change the dance music.
Just because the A did x, y, z - doesn't mean I need to continually react with a, b, c.
By detaching with love, I am allowing the alcoholic to continue x, y, z. It is their choice, their life. With detachment, I am able to put aside my knee jerk reaction of a, b, and c that I have used for sooooo long. I am now able to pause, be patient and respond in a way that feels right for ME. (progress, not perfection)
It is a gift I give myself to practice responding instead of living in reaction. I can get to that place by detaching from the behaviors of another.
This is from Alanon. It is printed in the Courage to Change as Today's Reminder. The quote is from Alanon: Family Treatment Tool in Alcoholism
" Detachment is not isolation, nor should it remain focused on not enabling the sick behavior of the past. Detachment is not a wall; it is a bridge across which the Alanon may begin a new approach to life and relationships generally."
It is akward, uncomfortable and feels like isolation at first. It feels like you are ignoring the elephant in the room. But gradually, as your focus shifts from the elephant in the room you find yourself less 'attached' to the elephants behavior and more focused on your personal journey.
may you find peace as you continue to follow your path of recovery