I had a very rough night last night and just need to share.
I've been lying to myself about my own recovery from codependency and from detaching from the guy (addict) who I was/still am interested in.
He and I are in the same social group of friends at work and we all hang out from time to time. I wish I could just cut him out of my life, but I would then lose a whole group of friends. Although, after last night, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing to extricate myself from this group of friends.
One of these friends is a Mary Kay sales rep, so several of us got together for her to do a show last night. Everyone got high last night on pot, except for me. I really hate drugs, and I will not compromise myself or my integrity just to fit into this crowd.
The truth is, I miss this guy so very much. I miss the old him, before he started getting high again. When things really fell apart between us, he said it was because he felt that we didn't have enough in common. I didn't understand fully until last night as to what he meant. The party was at his place last night, and I realized just how much his life has changed since we met. He was almost 2 years completely sober when we met, but now he and his roommates (his old roommate kicked him out) drink and get stoned together. I really couldn't and don't fit into this new life he has created for himself, and it makes me so very sad. I truly have lost him.
We all went out to a club after the party, and after a little while, he said he wanted to go home. He said he was very high and wanted to go enjoy it, and that he wasn't enjoying it while we were out at the club. Getting high isn't a social thing for him, he wants to enjoy it by himself.
I am going to an Al-anon meeting tonight and a Coda meeting tomorrow night It's been awhile since I've been to a meeting. Maybe I can get a little bit of sanity back.
It is so very hard for me to see him as he is today, rather than how he was 6 or 7 months ago. Some days its a little bit easier than others. I miss the emotional connection with him so very much
I loved him with all my heart...still do...the old him.