"We do recover"
I'm struggling with myself recently, but I have known sobrity in the past. I'm sure many others with more experience will jump in shortly, but your last couple of sentences scare the hell out of me. It does get better! I'm an alcoholic, but makes no difference. You need to find help NOW. Can you call your doctor and explain your situation? If that's not feasible right now you may need to go to an emergency room and explain to them. Killing yourself is a permanent solution to a short term problem. You need to find people that can help you and you need to do it now.