I never said divorce but I was getting so crazy that I got myself a job and told my AH he had to leave and guess what - he did and he started ranting and raving about a divorce and it got so ugly.
Then I realized how peaceful I was with him not around and how crazy I still got when he came around. We have 3 kids so there has to be some interaction - at least he has the decency to do what he does for them or at least mostly his son.
It's been a year now separated and he supposedly is working with a counselor on "managing his drinking" and (upon my insistence) we are going to couples counseling.
Still I am not saying divorce, yet I am getting nothing out of this relationship even with the counseling.
He is pretty much out of my life (except for the kids to some degree). I feel the peace when he is out of my life and yet I still get sucked in to any little crumb of attention he gives me and it is a crumb and it usually is attached to something he needs from me.
Sometimes I ask myself why I don't just divorce him and I think I truly still love him but probably it's just holding on to that dream.
Like you, we raised great kids and life seemed good - although for many of the years it was me alone and him filling in just as it is now, only I have more peace now and I am starting to focus on myself.
I just asked our couples counselor to recommend to me a counselor I can go to myself to help me understand why I keep holding on to someone who is so unavailable to me.
Maybe soon I will be able to break free from this hold I have.