Jen, thanks for that perspective. I'm trying not to bring Daughter into the conflict any more than necessary. AW comes from a highly dysfunctional family; her mother lays the guilt on her every time they talk, and I see AW passing it on to our daughter. She'll make comments to Daughter's boyfriend like "She doesn't care about me any more". Then she tells daughter "Your father doesn't love me any more".
AW is very insecure and manipulative that way, and it's been going on since early in our marriage, long before the drinking. The alcohol has just made it harder to tolerate.
So, I try not to demand too much, or push too hard with daughter, but I am also trying to teach her to take some responsibilities... typical parenting stuff.
And, your last comment is correct. I kind of feel like I'm just treading water, waiting for daughter to grow up and get married, or get through with school and move on. Then, I feel like I can step back and make a more realistic judgement on what to do next. I know this is procrastination, but I don't see splitting up the family as a viable option at the moment. Of course, events may force my hand, but trying to sell the house right now would probably lead to bankruptcy, and I just can't face that yet.
I'm also dealing with the inevitable guilt over what will happen to AW. She tells me how much she loves me; that she can't live without me, etc. Yet, she chooses to keep drinking. If we get divorced, she'll have no place to go except to live with her mother or sister, and I'm not sure I can afford alimony. So, even though I know it's unhealthy to put off the inevitable, it's not a very appealing option right now.