Hi Amanda!
I identify with you - I also feel depressed - but don't want to feel like a zombie and sleep and not feel a thing. At first its like your brain is washed and everything is bright, but later I felt NOTHING and just wanted to sleep. Have you gone to a therapist?
My therapist thinks I am acting just like my mom, trying to show her love by being as unmotivated/miserable as she is (at least in my mind) and that all this chaos I create is something I learned. That I can be someone different. That I am someone independent and able to create my life according to my own needs, tastes. I really wish you find a good therapist, so you can release yourself from those jails - many of us are striving for that freedom, so you are not alone. Its really scary but there is also an inner voice saying "its enough, there must be something else out there. its enough.."
Hugs and all the best. PS your love for your children shows.