BuffaloGal

Okay, I can step up on that one! Seven years ago I told my alcholic, porn addicted husband that "I couldn't stand any more ugly surprises." A couple of weeks later he left open one of his sites on the computer. I asked him how he could be so stupid, he said he didn't know, went in the bedroom and shut the door. And at that point I knew I couldn't stand this indefinitely, and the only way I could get through it was to look forward to a day when we weren't together anymore.

Later he told me that he thought I was trying to manipulate him; I wasn't. I was trying to communicate with him. But he was quite skilled at not hearing things that might make him uncomfortable.

There was this whole ugly extra story about him getting involved with someone else while we were separated, and I came to regret the way I asked him to leave (there were no second chances or bouncing in and out of the relationship while he tried to sober up). However, to this day I know I couldn't have continued with the way our marriage was. When I'm 50 I can't be married to someone who needs to withdraw and drink to cope with life's normal stresses and who compares my body to those of women half my age-- and needs to look at them to function sexually. I still love this person very much and I still grieve for the marriage we could have had without his addictions. But I also know my limits. It would have taken more out of me than I have to spare to deal with his drinking and the naughty pics.

After my divorce I dated a man who was not an alcoholic, could have cared less about pornography, and most importantly, shared my value of being honest about who you are and what you want. And we didn't ever have the knock down, drag out fights like I had with my ex. When there were problems, no one hid anything or lied, we talked about them and they got resolved or accepted, and that was it. I couldn't believe how low stress it was, and how safe I felt. We had differences that would have prevented us from being a good marriage, and we're not dating anymore, but I will always value him for showing me what an addiction free relationship is like. I wasn't wrong to feel that I deserved one.

I don't know if I can ever love someone with that intensity again-- I'm not sure I will ever entirely move on, but I have accepted that. The first night my aexh moved out I remember lying in bed and feeling an enormous sense of relief that there were no more secrets being hidden in my house. I know this does not sound entirely rational, but many years later, I still feel that way. If his current gf can live with his addictions, more power to her; but I can't.