I think I will wait to talk to him with his father because I want AH to take the responsibility. When our son gets angry, I want his father to see it too.
What exactly do you want him to take responsibility for? Talking to his son in a loving, sane, rational manner? Do you honestly think that this man is going to do this? Has he done this in the last year or so? Do you think that him seeing his son's anger is going to do something? Make him change? Make him realize the effects of his alcoholism? Because I am willing to bet your expectations are way high here.
I can tell my son later that we had planned to tell him and his father chose to go out, when I discuss with him the behaviors his father has that is part of his disease and help him handle his father.
Why does your son need to be told this? Please do not drag your 13-year old into the problems of your marriage. Do you think that your son does not already think that his father simply does not care about him and that he is a drunken a$$hole?
Here is what your son needs to know: That HE is not the reason why this is happening and how HE is going to be affected. Period. He does not need to be told whose feelings are hurt, who is drunk and who is not, who is right and who is wrong. Then let HIM ask the questions HE wants to know the answers to. I recommend you suggest AlaTeen.
The other day a parent at school told me after a volleyball game that my son left her and the group of kids she was in charge of on a field trip, when they were at a fast food restaurant to go to another restaurant across the street, even after she told him no when he asked. My son says he has no idea why he did what he did, he got a detention at school for his behavior, all this happened this week while AH was out of town on business. Son text me at 5 pm Thursday when AH was about to return home, asking me to tell AH not to talk to him about it, not to yell at him, we had already dealt with it, but he didn't want to be asked why he did it, and he begged me.
I don't know your husband personally but as a once-13-year old daughter of a drunken father, I would like you to understand that it is hard enough to be 13 with an irrational, uncaring, drunken a$$hole controlling my life, belittling me, and punishing me. What exactly is telling his Dad intended to do anyway?
This is at least the second time you have posted that your son does not want his father involved in his discipline.