I also mourned the loss of what STBXAH could have been, what we lost; seven stages of grief. It's been hard, some days I have to re-work some of those steps.
Originally Posted by
HurtingAgain 
She actually said to me, "that poor, poor man. He's destroying himself and everyone he loves and he's out of control to stop it."
This sat strange with me, but I think it's my history playing in. Yes, STBXAH is out of control to stop his downward spiral, his behavior is destroying himself and his family. But right now, I cannot "poor, poor man" him yet. No pity here yet. Maybe after I've had a bit more safety and space.
Originally Posted by
HurtingAgain I know that I'm clinging to the memory of a person who no longer exists, but it's still so hard to separate the man he used to be from the man he is quickly becoming. I don't want to stop loving the man I married, and I hate giving up the dream of the family and future we should have had together. I know I need to do that, but it's something I'm really struggling with.
Man, I remember this struggle. STBXAH
was amazing - gorgeous. The man I dated could have been a good husband and such a great father. I had such a great dream family to have with him: 2 amazing kids, a goofy-lovable dog, a cool little kitten, a cute and cozy little home with a huge yard, a husband that taught the kids to ski, bike, play baseball, basketball, rugby, taught us all how to set up tents, where the best hiking and camping is.
The only part of that dream that I got was one truly amazing son, and for him I will be forever grateful. The rest, well, it was just a dream that was never and will never come true with STBXAH. What STBXAH gave us instead was a shadowy-tinted hell of half-promises, lies and half-truths; oh and most importantly; an active A who routinely passed out on the couch.
I've been working on making what I can come true: I'm learning how and where to camp and hike and teaching DS in the process; I taught DS how to ride his bike without training wheels; I've got a safe home for DS; am teaching him to swing without being pushed; found a wonderful school for him; I'll find little leagues, etc. for the sports, will teach him any I can play if he wants (it's been a while, but I was pretty good at basketball, volleyball, running, hurdles, was starting to cross-country ski, I figure I can teach us both... My sister and brother have offered to teach him tennis.) I will hope DS is able to have a safe relationship with his father, but won't expect STBXAH to actually follow through on his 'plans to mentor' DS in sports.
Once the divorce is final, I'll start saving again for my own cozy little home with a yard, and after that DS and I can find a cool cat and a protective-goofy-lovable dog.
It's hard. Making a list of all the things i can look forward to w/o STBXAh has helped (safe uninterrupted sleep at night, Intelligent dinner conversations, eventually owning my own place, ...etc.) and Making a list of all the cr-p I will not miss (waking up to STBXAH peeing on the bed, floor, closet, couch; STBXAH yelling at DS for kicking over the drink he'd 'hid' on the floor by the couch, his expecting me to perform like the porn he watched, etc. etc.) I had to read the last list often when I left or when he'd call. I'm now looking at the list I want more often now.
He, that man I loved, that was amazing, he's gone; he's left just a shell filled with a monster with a shadow of himself. At least in the case with my STBXAH, even though he's not drinking (just dry not working recovery) he's still as abusive as ever.
I'm freeing myself and DS more an more every day. It's hard work and everyday i remind myself and DS that we're worth it.
Well, it's getting late and I may be rambling so I'll stop for now and check in tomorrow. Take care of yourself.