dmmarch

I did listen to you the other night and I've been trying to understand your reasons for wanting to cancel our wedding date. I don't agree with you. In fact, it breaks my heart that you don't feel comfortable marrying me. I'm about as upset about that as a person can be. Don't ever think that I'm taking all this lightly. And it's not just about being mad. To me, the bottom line is, if you don't have confidence in our future together now then we shouldn't fool ourselves that we will eventually have what it takes to make a marriage work. If I don't screw up for a given time period that doesn't change anything to me. In my mind, that doesn't make me any more suitable to marry. I'll be the same person you would've married on Feburay 19th. How does extra months of sobriety guarentee you anything? It kills me to say this because I love you, but if your considering putting off our wedding until you're more comfortable with me and our relationship, you should consider just breaking up with me. At some point, you either have what it takes or you don't.

I thought our friendship was strong enough for you to bet on me despite of my indiscretion (or weaknesses or struggles with sobriety), but that's not the case. You knew I was struggling through this **** when we got engaged. Obviously you've completely lost trust in me now. I can't re-create an environment in which you trust me. I never want something like the DUI or what happened in Sioux Falls to ever happen again. Making sure something like that never happens again is increadibly important to me and it will get serious effort. At the same time, you wont' accept any guarentees. I'm still trying to figure out why or how I wind up in those situations. Narconon was a start but the wrong approach. That's probably the first and most important thing I'm going to talk to the therapist about. I accept the fact that there is a lack of self control there and that it causes me to put myself in dangerous situations. I lack the self control to stop drinking once I start. More importantly, in the case of Sioux Falls, I lacked the self control to keep myself from drinking in the first place.

You should know that it has nothing to do with how much I love you. I have a problem with alcohol that goes beyond my feelings for you. My problem with alcohol was around before I met you. It's not something I had ever gained complete control over, but at the same time I've really been trying. You have to admit I've been fighting to get it under control. It probably has more to do with how much I love myself than how much I love you. It's stuff that I need to talk to someone about. I'm confident I can figure it out but I don't know where that leaves us in the present. More and more I've started to notice you treating me like i'm a burden to you or easily replaceable. Now, it's like I'm not worth it. The good things I do and the love we have isn't good enough for you anymore. You told me yourself that you're not happy in our life together. You're bored. You're not happy with your work or mine. You're not happy with our lifestyle. More often than not you are comlaining about something i'm doing wrong.

The worst part of all this is that I feel like you're doing this to punish me because I ****** up. I know you also think my parents just have to know about what happened and I disagree with that too. At some point I need to be able to make my own desicions about what I do and do not share with my parents regarding the ins and outs of my life. There's also nothing wrong with us having our own problems between us. We don't have to air out our all of our problems to our friends and family. You don't have to share every little detail about my drinking with your friends. When you move back our wedding, all of these people are going to need an explaination. Are you also going to share with all of them the reason your calling off our wedding date? Well I don't want people to know about what happened. I've done what you've asked me to do. I set up an appointment for Friday to start talking to a therapist regarding how I can go about making sure nothing like what happened in Sioux Falls ever happens again. I want that more than anything else; To make sure I have the tools and self awareness to avoid alcohol in the future.

I'm asking you and even begging you not to cancel our wedding date. I love you. I want to be your husband forever and I really am trying to be a better man for you. I know I ****** up and that I need more help. Please just give me one more chance and don't move back our wedding!! I'm not going to screw up your life or make you regret marrying me. I promise you I will give my best effort to addiction therapy and I'll do whatever it takes to make things work between us.