Quote: ((When I met my current guy he seemed perfect for me in every way. Then the drinking got heavier and heavier and he started saying mean things to me. I know the anger isn't really directed or about me. I know he is bitter about his ex-wife and how she took him for everything. I know his work stresses him out too much. It all gets bottled up and when he drinks it all comes out and I'm his punching bag.))
Yes dear, I also heard a few A's go on about how their xwives "took them for all they had", etc.....what they didn't add was that the A had virtually crippled their family in every way, and the X salvaged what she could before he bankrupted them.
In one instance The A was bitter that "he got left with nothing", then found out he had nothing to start with.....it had all belonged to his ex, and he hadn't even had a job.
If your ABF did this same behavior in his marriage, maybe she got out for her safety's sake. If this is how he handles stress while he is with you, it is certainly how he handled it with his XW, and will remain so until HE does something about it.
If you don't want to continue as his "punching bag", then you will keep out of his way as it could be a long time, if ever before he hits his bottom......
You are not the powerful cause of his drinking, or his bashing and you are not powerful enough to stop either of these by staying with him.
Maybe you should just stop the pot smoking yourself, for your good, (which is what you want him to do with his drinking), and realise that that trading with an A means you lose on the deal.
Beiing Codie doesn't mean you are fated to stay and take his abuse, unless you really want to. There is no law that says you wait for you to hit YOUR bottom.
OK you know you have this problem with neediness, so get busy finding how to control and heal it, how to not get involved with toxic people, how to live your life happily.
Read all you can, including the stickies on SR, other's stories here on F & F, Alanon is good, and if you need counseling, go for it. Get into your recovery program, and leave ABF to himself, because you CANNOT help him at all.
Love is not bashing or being bashed.