I have known alcoholics in true recovery (although not in a personal relationship with them). You can see by their actions, their approach to life. They are not these completely self centered people. I don't imagine they got there in a month of sobriety but they got there - and they still went to AA faithfully even though they had been sober for years. Going to AA regularly does not make people self centered or self serving any more then going to church once a week, or to al anon, or to the gym three mornings a week does. It is part of being a healthy and whole person for some people.
It is when AA is used as a way to escape other life responsibilities/stressors that it is a problem - in my book - which no one has to read but me
It is about balance and everyone has a different idea about how things balance out, both the alcoholic and the family members.
There is a difference between taking care of oneself and being self-centered.
My ex continues to blame everything on me and doesn't acknowledge or even seem to understand the basic principles of responsibility when it comes to our relationship or the one between him and the kids. He doesn't get it. He lives in denial. He has taken alcoholism out of our relationship so still sends me things about not understanding why I didn't make this work etc. etc. He is not in recovery and I've finally come to realize it is unreasonable of me to expect anything different. He will never be different and so I can let that one go and by letting it go the bitterness and resentment were swept away. I guess maybe I do have some empathy for alcoholism. It takes so much from people. It is truely sad. I dont' feel sorry for people though. They are making choices. Choices I do not understand or agree with and they can choose differently if they want to. For my ex, I see zero signs that he wants to choose differently. He just wants different outcomes. Not the same thing.