"I think their struggle is worse than mine, as I do have a choice and they don't so much or at least it is much harder."
This is the nut of my feeling a bit torn. I am both. I honestly think that my codependent bottom was harder than my alcoholic bottom. I think that both are diseases - and in both instances, you can choose recovery. As with any disease you have to treat it. But I was, quite honestly, blown away by how quickly I descended into a pit of chaos, despair and pain when I was back around a loved one with active alcoholism. I felt utterly helpless.
It was a huge gift because I started to look at the roots of that. Really look - not just wheel out the line that one of my parents was an alcoholic. And you know wht? I DID NOT have a choice as a child. Grown ups get to choose to stay or leave - might not feel like we have a choice (that's the disease part) but we can choose. I relied completely on someone who was in the grips of this disease as a child and it profooundly affected the way I handle everything. And every relationship I've ever had, even when alcohol hasn't been a factor.
For me, unwrapping that and trying to unlearn those behaviors is harder than getting sober was. That's my truth. Doesn't mean that I can't feel for people who are still in the grips of this disease on either side of the fence. But it goes back to what I meant about there being no winners. Nobody has it harder than anyone else - everyone has the same opportunities to get well - it just has to become painful enough. Had I not given up my crutch (alcohol) I would still be anaesthetizing all those feelings dating back to childhood. At least now I have a chance at a full, healthy life. But I think I would have really missed out had i not finally staggered into al-anon.
SL