Hi AmandaM!
Welcome!
I was in a similar place with my A brothers (one in particular) just riding that roller coaster up and down, serving their needs, hoping to "help" them - all the while making myself nuts and depressed!
AlAnon helped me learn how to stop thinking the way I did and how to release the guilt and the shame and the belief that their addiction was something I could help them with.
You mentioned you are also struggling with a drink problem, do you go to AA? The meetings are sometimes held in the same places - but AlAnon is for the Friends & Family of alcoholics. There are lots of "double winners" who have recovered from alcoholism and codependency!
You asked:
Why am I so ****** in the head that I can't do the right thing by my own family that I chose to create????
The simple answer is because growing up with alcoholics completely messes with your head and your understanding of relationships, priorities, and what is "normal."
For me, the bad thought patterns became ingrained since childhood. It took some effort and discipline but I did find through AlAnon and therapy that I could change my bad habits of mind. That I could change my behavior. And nobody died! The world did not end. And I became a much healthier person and mom to my children.
If you are truly concerned about your mom committing suicide then you must also realize that is a problem much much bigger than YOU! The day I could finally say to my brothers - I can't help you with your drinking problem but here is the number to some people who can - and I handed them the number to local AA and then I let it go was like my day of liberation from self-imposed prison.
Same with suicide - if someone threatens that or is in danger of harming themselves that is way way above my training in this life! They need professional help. If they refuse professional help then that is their choice and adults are free and should be allowed the dignity of their own choices - however much those choices cause us pain or cause them pain. It is your mom's choice how she wants to live. Believe it. Just as it is your CHOICE whether to make some changes and stop serving her addiction, and start naking the choices that serve you and your children and DH (dear husband).
Since letting go of my illusions of control over my brothers's drinking I have been able to salvage something out of our relationship that is not focused always on their drinking! And I stopped resenting them and their problems because I stopped taking on other people's sh*t as my own. I have enough of my OWN sh*t to deal with thank you very much!
I am glad you are here Amanda! Stick around. The hour is darkest before the dawn and it is great that you are reaching out for help! Keep seeking and more importantly for us codies ACCEPTING help!
Peace-
B