Welcome to the SR family!
I am sorry that you are caught up in the chaos with your mother's addiction. You have your own concerns and family to consider, while still being pulled into her drama.
I hope you will continue to reach out for help and support here. You will find lots of information and support here. Information on alcoholism and support for your own alcohol cravings. Please pull out the keyboard to make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
Today, this moment is yours. This is your one precious life. You choose how you will spend this day. You have an amazing husband. You have beautiful children. You have depression, anxiety and alcohol cravings. Today: YOU are your priority.
Someone shared an illustration with me that helped put my priorities into perspective:
When traveling by commercial airplane, you must listen to a pre-flight safety speech. Part of the speech includes information about air masks. The air masks will drop down in the event of an emergency. You are then instructed : to put on your own air mask before attempting to assist anyone else.
Hun, it is time to put on your own air mask.
You did not cause your mother's alcoholism
You can not control your mother's alcoholism
You will not cure your mother's alcoholism
Your mother is an adult. Her addiction is her responsibility.
You have your own cravings, depression and anxiety to address.
Hi, I'm known as Pelican and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am a recovering ex-spouse of an active alcoholic husband.
I am a recovering codependent.
I also struggle with depression.
I had to want sobriety more than my family, career, marriage, and home. If I didn't make sobriety my priority, I was at risk for loosing everything.
My personal experience is: Alcohol is a depressant. It does not mix with anti-depressants. I could not address my depression or anxiety until I addressed my addiction to alcohol.
Please reach out for the help you need right now with getting your own air mask firmly in place. Focus on getting help for yourself. Establishing boundaries with your mom, may help you detach from her personal struggles.