Ok well this is going to be very long so I appologize in advance.
I am currently on round two of trying to break my codependant relationship with my mother.
For as long as I can remember she has been an alcoholic. My father was too (although he didn't stick around in my life, thats a whole other issue). My grandparents are alcoholics my uncle is an alcoholic.. I have been surrounded by it all my life. I too have issues with drinking and am desperately trying to break the cycle for the sake of my children. And with all of my family history of alcoholism, abandonment from my father, domestic abuse, sexual abuse, I have somehow managed to marry the most fantastic man in the world. He doesn't drink or smoke or gamle... nothing... So atleast I have that going for me.
I suffer with severe anxiety and depression. It is at its worst now and I feel like everyday I am trying to dig a little further out of this hole and some days are good and I can begin to reach the surface then something happens (usually to do with my mother) and somehow that pit has gotten deeper and I am all the way back down the bottom. I have been on medication, but refuse to go back on it. I can't stand being a zombie I want to feel... I just don't want to feel this damm depression.
My mother and I have such a strange relationship. I have had to go through a lot with her as a child. I was the one picking up all the pieces not any of my other brothers and sisters... always me
My mother has had a few attempts at suicide and I have found her. The first being when I was quite young and the second not that long ago, during my first attempt to break this codependant relationship.... I am forever reassuring her that she is fine and don't worry what others say after you have called them drunk and abused them, you are right they are idiots. Constantly at her beck and call when she gets drunk and depressed (every second day), I drop everything leave my husband and children at home and go to her to sit and wallow in her self pity with her. But you know what, she is awesome when she is sober. Most of the time although lately she has been just as bad when she is sober. I find that I am beginning to resent her. I am going to be brutally honest here and say that the thought has crossed my mind 'why can't you just do it properly so I can grieve and be done with it, instead of this constant battle and not being sure if you will be here tomorrow?' That is terrible isn't it. I feel like such a bad person. I feel like I should be doing more to help her, maybe I can have her committed? She would just get out and continue the same as before I suppose.
How do I stop this. I mean really the odds that she will try to kill herself if I break communication with her are so high that I don't think it is worth the risk. I would rather deal with the depression myself and spare her her own feelings. How can I live with myself if she kills herself because I have cut ties? She tried it last time, why not again? I am doing everything in my power not to call her tonight because I know she is drinking, and I feel SICK. I am sitting here wondering if she is ok, wanting to pick up the phone and dial her and know that if I did I would feel worse after because I would know just how drunk she is.
I feel so defeated. It all sounds good in theory, I am just not strong enough to do it. I am weak. You know what I am about to do right now, I am about to go and pour myself a glass of wine because I want this pain to go away. So am I just as bad as her? Probably. Am I terified to do this to my children? HELL YES!!!! Do I care? Not right now because all I can think about is having a drink and forgetting my worries. Do I think my children will be better off without me? Yes I honestly do, I couldn't live with myself if I put them through all these years of pain. Its not fair. Why did I decide to bring these precious little children into my ****** up life? Selfish? Yes... Regret it? actually no, my children are beautiful, intelligent little creatures and I love them dearly, which is why I cannot do this to them... I feel like I am fighting a battle in my head, one side telling me all the reasons I shouldn't be here and the other telling me why I should be... I don't know which side will win, but I know I am sick of fighting it.....
I actually hate my mother sometimes? How is it that I can hate her and resent her so much but then put her first over my own family? Why am I so ****** in the head that I can't do the right thing by my own family that I chose to create????
I am so sorry for the long post, I just had to get it out, I can't keep it in any longer.... I am at breaking point and I am scared
If you got this far, thank you