dmmarch

My fiance and I have been together for almost 4 years. When we first met, I knew he was a drinker, but it wasn't until I moved in with him after our first year did I realize it was a problem. It became an issue in or relationship early on, and it was pretty much the only thing we ever fought about. We were both in grad school at the time, and I would come home on a Wednesday night and he would have had a whole bottle of wine by himself. This became a regular occurrence, and it affected his work, school, and our relationship. Last May, on his 30th birthday, he got a DUI. He's also a very mean drunk and has a problem with authority, so needless to say, when the police showed up, he did just about everything you can do to make the situation the worst possible.

After his DUI, his parents and I bailed him out. He felt remorseful, and decided to sober up. I believed that he truly felt bad, and I had faith in him to quit. He stayed sober for about 3 months, and then had a relapse. I forgave him and told him to attend an AA meeting or seek out help with a counselor. He told me he would go, and he again, felt remorseful for the relapse. However, time went by and he never went, but he stayed sober and I just let it go.

A few months later, he had another relapse. And throughout the couple of months, I had suspicions he had been drinking several times, but could not prove it, or maybe just didn't want to even go there. Finally, by December, when we were both graduating from Grad school, he can home knowing full well he had gone to a bar. He had lied to me about where he was, even when I called him earlier. He then tried to convince me it's okay for him to drink, and that he can go out and have a couple of shots. I finally had enough and called his sister and parents, who believed for this whole time (since the DUI in may) that he had been sober. All the relapses, he did not want me to tell his parents.

This resulted in an intervention and an in-patient program. He went in Mid-December and was there for 2 1/2 months. There were some complications with the program, as it was religion based and he did not agree with their tactics. It was a hard time for all of us, as he blamed me and his family for not researching enough and sending him to the wrong place. He ultimately did complete the program, mainly for the sake of his family. When he returned home, he seemed to have had a lot of time to think and seemed to be doing it for himself. He had been sober this whole time and soon after he came home, he asked me to marry him in March. I said yes.

We set our wedding date for February of next year (in 5 months) and I guess I believed he really changed and now he has the strength to stay sober. I had my doubts in the beginning, but he had stayed sober for 9 months, up until 2 weeks ago. He flew out of town for his work 2 weeks ago and left on a saturday. That Saturday around midnight, I get a call from the police saying they found him unconscious in the parking lot of a local bar, and they weren't sure if he had gotten into a fight and hit his head, but he was on his way to the hospital. I was freaked out! I didn't know how badly he was hurt, and I could not be there for him. The nurse later called me and said he had a blood alcohol level of 0.36, but besides some minor injuries, he seemed okay. They kept him in the hospital until he sobered up. I called in the morning, but he had been released already. I called his phone, his hotel, the hospital, and was worried sick because I was afraid he was still drunk and had gotten into some other kind of trouble on his way back from the hospital. He finally called me in the morning a few hours later and acted like nothing had happened. It wasn't until I brought up that I got a call from the police and nurse did he finally admit he had been drinking. He said he didn't remember anything, and if it wasn't for the bracelet on his arm from the hospital, he wouldn't have even known he was there.

Of course, he was remorseful and sorry, regretful and ashamed. I told him h needed to seek help and I gave him 2 weeks. I also told him he pretty much needs to never drink again ( because before he was convinced he can be sober for a period of time and then be able to control himself) He agreed with me, but 2 1/2 weeks passed and he acts like nothing ever happened. I finally asked him if he had gotten help and he said he will, and that he didn't realize the 2 weeks was such a strict deadline.
I then told him I'm not ready to marry in 5 months, and i need more time for him to prove to me he can do this, and to earn my trust back. He didn't take that so well, saying things like if I don't believe in him enough to marry him in 5 months, what's the difference between 1 year or 2 years? He also said I'm trying to punish him, and embarrass him, etc. He had been engaged once before and she called the wedding off so he's very sensitive in that department. However, I've made up my mind. He was trying to tell me to just leave and walk if I don't believe in him, but I was trying to tell him I still love him and I want to be with him, just marriage is too soon.
We haven't talked since and it's been 2 days. What do I do? Will he ever change? He says all these things but they just sound the same to me every time. I love him, but why does he give up so easily and just want to push me away? He turns all the blame on me.
I don't know what to do, can we even still be together after postponing the wedding? I feel like it'll just never happen then..