This thread IS awesome. It is really helping me a lot. Good to know that what I'm feeling is felt by many at times.
And thank you so much Empathetic. I read what you wrote and got really teary eyed (again). I have figured out that my really lashing out at him is of no avail. It would really harm him right now. I need to wait until humpty dumpty has put himself back together before even going over some of how I've been feeling.
I know he appreciates me. Maybe he will see it at some point, the worry and sadness he put me through and how I didn't abandon him. I couldn't. It isn't about recognition, you are right. I did it because I love him. It was that simple and it wasn't that difficult for me to do, I wasn't about to shut him out. I truly believed he would end his life on purpose because he was in it that deeply. Now I can exhale, he will be looked after, and work on some really serious things. So no, I wouldn't dump all this on him. It would sabotage what he needs to do for himself and for us. He has more than enough self loathing to sift through without my dumping more on him.
Writing letters is a wonderful idea. Just let it all out. I'll do that.
Like I say, it is a mix bag of sadness, relief, anger, love and understanding. I just need to process it and let it come out (constructively of course). Maybe use puppets to act it out
