The sad truth is that in my situation my children did not have a chaotic home. My husband was not a chaotic loud man as long as I did not rock the boat. He did not become a lunatic until I filed for divorce. When the status quo was threatened, he went into overdrive.
The raving lunatic in the house was me. They were losing a mother to bitterness, unhappiness, inflexibility, outbursts, misplaced anger and frustration. It showed in their behavior. I was the one creating instability and that was a very hard pill to swallow. There was no way for me to mentally survive in the current situation. The drama created by the alcoholism was behind the scenes for my very young children. Dad sleeping separately was their normal. Not eating with us was normal for them. Dad 'falling asleep' at 7pm every night did not cause drama. It didn't bother them because he was there for them at other times. He was around and what he didn't follow through on or do, I did. They didn't know about finances, social situations, the lack of friends, the messes, the adult stuff. They did not understand and I still don't know if they do but they have excepted it. They also have stability and a mother that loves them and shows it. A mother that is able to create the environment she wants.