It's been 3 weeks now since AH have been separated, and 11 days since I found out he had an affair while on a bender when he was away for military training. I find myself in a complete pit of despair right now, with no end in sight.
Of course my initial reaction after finding out about the affair was to throw all his stuff on the front lawn, cry, scream, yell, and file immediately for divorce. But after having some time for things to sink in, I'm completely gutted at the thought of life without him. I've loved this man since I was 15 years old. We've been best friends for 23 years, and married for 13. I am deep in mourning for the man he used to be before this disease took hold of his soul and stole him away from me. This is NOT the man that I married, and I'm having such a hard time separating the man I know and love from the man he is quickly becoming.
AH is remorseful and has recommitted to sobriety. He's attending meetings and has found a sponsor, but says he needs to focus 100% on his sobriety right now before he can try to repair our marriage. I get this, but it still hurts so much that AGAIN his needs are coming first, when I've been totally emotionally gutted by his actions and feel like I'm again his last priority.
I'm doing the best I can to work on my own recovery. I'm visiting these forums, seeing a counselor, reading Codependent No More, and plan to start attending Al-Anon meetings this week. Still, I find myself constantly praying for a miracle to save my marriage and to rescue my husband from the bonds of alcoholism. I even went to visit the priest last week, even though I haven't atttended church in years, because I'm so desperate for this miracle.
I'm in such a terrible state of grief for the man I love, the marriage that we used to have before this disease took over, and for the future that we planned together. I know we need this time of separation to both work on our own issues, and that he may never recover. I know that I'm not willing to live my life with active alcoholism any longer and the disrespect he's brought to our marriage, but I can't help missing him desperately. I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel and that the answers will be revealed in time, but right now, I'm not sure what terrifies me more, the thought of living with him, or the thought of living without him.
I sure could use some strength and hope right now.