This is JMO, but I feel like a lot of couples stay together in the name of stability despite huge conflicts because they believe it would benefit their children...A lot of people still cling to this fantasy of the perfect family unit--mom, pop, 2.5 kids, dog, white picket fence, etc--and are willing to subject themselves and their children to a great deal of suffering simply in order to keep the illusion alive. In actuality, the children of such families are already unconsciously and sometimes very consciously aware of the chonflict existing in their homes, and wish nothing more for their parents to separate.
Something my mother told me years ago rang very true when I finally left AH. She, being 1 of 6 children, wanted her home to be a *haven*, a safe, quiet, clean and comforting place to come home to after a long day. Her childhood home had been rather chaotic and she did everything she could to make her own home nothing like it. My home with AH was nothing like the childhood home my mother had created for us, despite my best efforts. Even after a good week-end cleaning, the atmosphere in the apartment was still brittle, just waiting for the next conflict, the next drama, the next burst of tears, shouts, or profanity. It was not a safe place. I could never relax there. There was always something I had to arm myself again, and there wasn't even any escape in sleep.
I saw the effects of this on my stepson, who was a nervous, withdraw, often angry young boy, always ready to JUMP whenever his father yelled his name. Add adolescent hormones into that mix, and there were often explosions...When I saw my infant daughter display some of the same behaviour, it dawned on me that she was becoming like her brother. As much as I loved him--and still love him, I didn't want that for my daughter. It's part of what helped me leave.
Yes, I agree that your children will experience a loss if/when you decide to move out. However, this situation will also become an opportunity for you to dialogue with them about addiction and boundaries. In a lot of ways, I wish it was a discussion I had had when I was younger...