evenkeel

I'm working on this angle. I wholly embrace the idea that, mentally and emotionally, things would be so much better without her right now. The big issue is financial. I'm not a stranger to the resources available to a single mother after having been on my own with two kids twice before. This time I'm in a much better place financially and in going over the numbers, it wouldn't be terrible but it'd still be a problem. I also know from experience that I'd be trading one set of problems for another and I'm not too eager to do that if I don't have to. My world wouldn't end but it sure would be made more difficult than it would be easier. I think the key word is "have"-if it comes down to that I "have" to leave for whatever reason I'll deal with it, just like I've done it before and come out none the worse for wear.

I am bothered by the idea that the world just might "end" for the kids. It occurred to me that if I didn't have kids I would have moved out a long time ago. I don't know how I feel about this. On the one hand, I believe in doing everything possible to maintain stability for the sake of the kids and thus far this hasn't really affected them. On the other hand, I don't really understand why I've been willing to put up with so much crap "for the kids". I keep thinking about what it would be like for them if I left her. They love her and she's as much of a parent to them (in their eyes) as I am, and more so than their father is. They don't need to lose another parental figure in their life. I feel really guilty about doing that to them when the reasons for leaving her when the current circumstances don't affect them. I know I'd be doing it to avoid the eventuality that circumstances WOULD affect them, but it's hard to use that as justification to turn their world upside down NOW.