I'm sitting here crying my eyes out, feeling a bit confused and sad.
ABF is entering rehab tomorrow morning and all I can say to myself is, 'what about me?'. He gets a cozy place with meals and support. All his buddies and family is going to come out of the woodwork to cheer him on. But where were they when he was going through this relapse? I'm sure they did the right thing for their lives in that they knew they couldn't help him but I stuck by him.
I did feel (in his more functional moments) that he truly appreciated me and loves me. He never asked for a dime nor did I give him one. I lived my life
but still stuck by him. He did respect my boundaries which is suprising given everything I read here about addict behaviors.
So now I feel like, that's it? After all that, I am alone for months? After everything I felt and the anxiety I felt every night worrying if that would be the night he kills himself, Poof he is gone behind those walls? It is almost like shell shock. The bomb hits, the dust settles and I'm standing there dazed.
That is how I feel. I am happy he will be safe and getting the help he needs but part of me is feeling completely abandoned. Sad and abandoned.
I am an adult and no one forced me to stick by him. I did so willingly. I don't regret it at all. But why can't I feel ecstatic that he is in treatment? Maybe I am just too emotionally worn down to celebrate.
I did it because I love him. I have no intention of ending things but I don't think I can go on another one of these rides again with him. (I picture all of you experienced folks shaking your head at me but I wanted to go through it because I had to see for myself what I was signing up for.) Thanks all for sharing your wisdom either directly or indirectly btw. I don't think I could have gone through this if it wasn't for SR.
But I still am sad. So sad. And I should be happy he is getting the help he needs but I all that is coming up for me are tears. Maybe I held it in emotionally for so long and now I can let it all out. I thought of yelling at him finally (I never did, seemed pointless) but what good would that serve. Part of me wants to scream at him "How dare you put me through all that and then leave me". It just seems so unfair.
