Zbear, it's interesting that you have said this:
Sorry, but I don't subscribe to all the Melanie Beatty touchy feely emotional complications generally associated with codependency. I think it's much simpler than that. The way codependency is defined by most people these days, one can hardly be a caring human being without being labelled. I think that's nonsense.
I've been reading Melody Beattie's more recent book, "The New Codependency" copyright 2009. She wrote this book to clear up misconceptions about codependency that have evolved since she first wrote "Codependent No More." Pretty interesting stuff.
This is from page 8: "An acquaintance explained how much he enjoys being a husband and father. "I suppose that makes me codependent," he said, apologetically.
"No," I said. "It means you like being married."
This is from page 5: "Caring about people we love, feeling victimized when we're betrayed, giving our all to people we love, or wanting to control people because we're watching them destroy themselves and hurt us doesn't mean we're sick. These are natural reactions. Codependency is about normal behaviors taken too far. It's about crossing lines."
Zbear, you and Melody Beattie actually have very similar beliefs:
You said this:
I try to avoid blaming altogether. I simply believe that we are all responsible for our own behaviors, that we "volunteer" for our own problems and as often as not come to depend on something outside ourselves to regulate our feelings....whether that is booze, drugs, work, food or adrenaline producing relationships.
It's not just having an addict in your life that makes you codependent. Codependency is a set of thoughts, feelings and behaviors and actually doesn't even require a "relationship" with an addict.
Melody Beattie says the same things:
"When it comes to codependency, some people are confused. Recovery (from codependency) isn't about pointing fingers; it's about taking responsibility for ourselves."
"While alcoholism in the family can help create codependency, it isn't essential."
"Codependency is normal behavior, plus. There are times we do too much, care too much, feel too little, or overly engage. We forget where the other person's responsibilities begin and our responsibilities stop."
I understand your take on adrenaline addictions. Biochemistry and human behavior are directly related. It wasn't until I read "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" that I understood the powerful way our brain reacts chemically to trauma--and all of our human emotions and experiences. I don't know if I'd go so far to say that codependency is simply an addiction to adrenaline, but I would agree that there is a relationship there.