Old 10-03-2010, 01:21 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
SteppingUp
Member
 
SteppingUp's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 131
Unhappy She's tanked again and I'm walking on eggshells

My W went over her usual 5 drinks tonight and my heart is pounding a mile-a-minute. I think she's finally passed out (at least I hope she is). She was slurring and stumbling and thought she was very cute. Even the kids were making fun of her. Luckily she thought they were just joking around with her. Otherwise she would have raged at them and then at me for allowing them to make fun of her. She would say "So you AGREE with them?! YOU think I'm a drunk too?! I'm having real doubts about you. I just don't feel safe with you. This really concerns me!"

I've been reading 'Codependent No More' and am trying to detach. I figured while it's not ok for my kids to make fun of their mom, this was a natural consequence of her actions.

Still don't have the guts to confront her about her drinking. When she drinks she gets paranoid, confrontational and verbally nasty. She also likes to accuse me of having an affair. These are just the behaviors that make me back down.

She can also get very sexual. I've been going along because I don't want a confrontation before I'm ready for one. I don't feel good about myself on that score.

I want to tell her that I will not engage with her, argue with her or sleep with her when she's drinking. Nor will I buy alcohol for her. I love her but can't control her drinking and will take care of myself.

I've always been a casual drinker (1-2 drinks per week) but now I really don't want to drink at all. She has been offering to make me drinks all week but I always refuse. Tonight, she offered me a beer which I took so as not to look like I'm trying to make a point passive aggressively. I couldn't finish it and didn't enjoy it at all. I want to be present, not in a haze.

I don't know if it's her paranoia or the fact that I'm not very good at hiding my feelings but she very often looks at me and says, "Why are you looking at me like that"? So I try not to look at her.

This pains me so much because I love her very much. When she's not drinking, she's the woman I know and love. After three or four drinks I can't stand her.

I'm sure this all sounds pretty classic. Yeah, sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. But I'm trying my hardest to take care of the only person I can take care of (me).

I know I will need to stand up to her, if for nothing else, to keep her from raging at the kids.

Well, that's if for now. Hopefully she's asleep. Not looking forward to the holidays.
SteppingUp is offline