For what it's worth, I agree that taking the pipe served no realistic purpose. It just shows what we can be brought to when our addiction to our addicts rears up on us.
XABF would have stints of abstinence and life would start to level off and feel good again. Trust would return. Love would return. I would start to feel a little like my old self again, and yet all it would take is one beer. One lousy beer in his hand, and I would start from scratch. Petty behaviors to try to deter him would take over me. I'd be crawling through his truck counting cans and taking money from his wallet so he couldn't spend it on beer the next day. A spiral downward in a flash.
I'm not proud of these things. Thankfully now I find them laughable. But they are just an example of how quickly contact with his addiction dropped me right back to my lowest level. The anger and frustaration of it all were overwhelming.
I think this last contact for you Mary is just an example of how quicky it all comes to a head for you. The hope, the anxiety, the love, the frustration - all of it. Seeing him looking worse and saying all sorts of sweet things just sealed the deal.
Nothing changes if nothing changes, right? So try something different. Think of the ways you've blocked contact from you before and try something new. Block yourself from him if you can. I have the option to block numbers from being dialed on my phone so even if I get the urge (which I admit has happened), I can't call without submitting the request and waiting until the next day for the account to update. Gives me time to cool off. All those little parental controls come in handy in parenting myself. LOL!
Hope you're hanging in there!!
Alice