This is from one of your initial posts:
Whew. Here I am. Just when I think my A is at his bottom, it's actually me at one of the lowest points. I feel so hopeless and worthless. I can't stop crying and I feel as if part of me will never be able to move on. I've tried no contact for extended periods of time. I've dated. I've been single. But that damn hope. I'm addicted to it. I have a problem. I can not accept that I have to let go. I am sick with the thought of this being the last time. He seems to get closer and closer and I just want to be there when he's clean.
It struck me then as it does now that how you feel abut yourself is tied to what this meth addicted guy does or not. How whacked is this? Wanting to be there for the pay-off is the rational ( excuse) we make to keep on doing what we are doing and expecting a different outcome.
And for crying out loud, what's up with the wobble fixation thing? Was taking it supposed to cause him to snap out of it? And now the drama about what to do with it as you head off to Europe to escape.
The problem is within you, within all of us and we can run and hide and all that but the problem remains within us. All the time and energy we put into playing detective, rescuer, warden, plotting, praying, reading minds detracts from the work we have to do on ourselves.
Have you considered seeking therapy to learn how to love yourself, again?