Surprising how fast I start to feel like "me" again when I'm not around him. In just a few days I begin to perk up, more energy, my head clears.
He insists I am staying away because I'm cheating on him. He must know better, but I guess he loves pushing my buttons. He still runs me down every day. I'll wake up and there will be a text waiting for me accusing me of being some other guy. I don't even know any other men. It's insane. It really is truly insane. He's insane. Defending myself from his attacks and insults is exhausting. His absolutely freaky nonstop paranoid obsession about cheating is bizarre. He's been on this kick now for 18, maybe 20 months. And I've spent most of that time trying to reason with him and prove my innocence.
He makes it sound like he can't stop saying these things to me, like he has no control over it. Oh, he has no control over his feelings either. You see, the way I handle his attacking me makes him hate me. If I would handle being attacked differently then he wouldn't hate me and he'd eventually stop attacking me. Huh?
He's so nuts that's it's getting easier to practice detachment and stay away from him because he is not recognizable as himself. I'm not staying away from HIM, just the psycho who has taken over his body.
I'm tired of crying and feeling desperate. I don't want to "live" my life wishing I were dead.
He says stopping this time around won't be any more difficult than the last couple times he stopped drinking. I don't believe it. I have a sneaky suspicion that he'd like to stop already and is having a great deal of trouble doing so.
I wasn't a fan of the detachment concept. But even a small amount of distance is helping me and if nothing else changes then things are going to continue in this direction.