This topic really hits home for me because it was exactly one week ago today that I found out about AH's infidelity. It has cut me to the core, because it has no place in my belief system, and until AH started to lose his grip on the disease, I really believe it wasn't in his moral nature either.
Since I found out about the affair, I've talked to MANY friends who have revealed to me that there's been infidelity in their marriages too. It's a club that no one wants to belong to, but now that I'm a member, it feels like they're crawling out of the woodwork, and most of them have gone on to rebuild happy marriages. I don't know if this makes me feel better, knowing that it's so prevalent, or if it makes me feel worse. As in what's the sense of moving on with someone else if chances are very likely it will happen with the new person too.
I truly believe that AH's infidelity was a result of the deterioration of his morals, character, and judgement due to the drinking. And while it by no means gives him an excuse, in some strange way it does make me feel a bit better to think that the man I married wasn't a cheat and a liar to begin with, but eventually became that way due to the nature of his disease. Since AH has recommitted to sobriety because of the fallout of this, it's the only way I can have hope of rebuilding our marriage to think that way.
I will say this though, I now understand why they tell them in AA to make amends only when it won't harm the other person, and advise against telling the spouse about past affairs. Obviously I would want to know about a long term attachment to someone and the threat of STD's is very real, but I'm not sure knowing about it has been worth all the pain it's caused. Which is not to say I condone a "don't ask, don't tell" type of marriage, but it just means that I can understand why it might be best not to reveal a one-time lapse in judgement and add more pain to an already hurting spouse.