'They do so by detaching - in otherwords, they build lives for themselves away from their partners, they ignore their partners when they are being abusive, they dont fuss over them, they dont react to bad behaviours and they treat them with respect, which is a really tough call and its certainly not for everyone.'
THIS. This is exactly what my mother-in-law is doing with my father-in-law, though in the last year she's been fighting back verbally when he goes off. She's also FINALLY stopped buying him his beer. She had many reasons not to fight back or leave him before (first kids and then her mother living with them) but now that the kids are out of the house and grandma has passed away she's finally starting to build up the courage to go. I see this as what I have been doing and would continue to do if I decided to stay. But you're right, it's not good for me and hasn't been working so far. It's "where do I go from here" that's the issue.