evenkeel

Definitely, using kids as pawns is a bad thing. I guess the emphasis here is that I really shouldn't be staying around with things the way they are. Counseling should be for me to be able to decide if and when I would leave her, and anything to do with her adopting the kids takes a back seat. She may see it as "if I lose her I lose the kids and I don't want that", but MY bottom line in counseling should be whether I stay with her.

I'm starting to understand that alcohol IS a problem and yes, if we fix the alcohol we fix a host of other issues. It's also become clear to me that the issue that needs to be addressed first is the alcohol, not her laziness or seeming lack of ability to step up and be an adult in other areas. In pondering her past and current behavior it's become very clear to me that she has a dependence on alcohol that is demonstrated in far more ways than I had recognized before. While reading on here I got the chills when I realized she's close to becoming a mid-stage alcoholic, if she isn't all ready there.

She ALWAYS binge drinks-it's never 1 or 2, and if it's a situation where more than a couple isn't possible (time constraints, etc) then she looks for a reason to go have more. She ends up drinking pitchers by herself when she keeps buying them after everyone else has stopped drinking. She has an astounding tolerance. Last time I kept track of what she drank in one night I counted four pitchers total plus assorted shots (probably 4) and she was still walking more or less straight. She becomes very combative when she drinks-if someone makes her the least bit mad she's ready to fight and she's not nearly that bad when she's sober. If I suggest that maybe we don't need to take alcohol to the family bonfire, we can have fun without it, she looks at me like I've grown another head. She whines when she can't drink before going to work or when her friends are out drinking and she can't go for one reason or another. She reminds me of a dog locked inside a kennel whining about the bunny rabbit outside it that he badly wants to chase.

I feel REALLY bad drawing that analogy but it seriously feels that way when she stares longingly at the beer in someone's hand and has to remove herself from the scene for a while to stop "torturing" herself and possibly fight off the urge to have a drink. On the flip side, if she doesn't have to work and someone says they're having a bonfire you can guarantee she will be there, 24-pack in hand. Her insisting on me drinking....yep, she wants me to enable her, and I'm not the only one that she does that to.

I'm sorry. I'm rambling. It's really hard to think of my wife as one that has an alcohol issue, that she needs recovery and she has to cut it out completely, forever, to ever have a chance of winning over it. Based on past experience with her, I don't see her willing to do that. I also wonder if she perceives me as a threat to her wish to drink. When I went along with it she was happy, but now that I'm not she's not real pleased with me at all. Maybe it's just better if I leave her to it and have pity on the next fool who gets involved with her.