The alcohol issue isn't going to go away completely and I run the risk of, one or five or ten years down the line, her being worse than she is now despite any agreement or how eager she is to work on things so I can feel comfortable with the adoption. Is this, on its face, a bad idea? Telling her that if she wants to adopt the kids we need to go to counseling and whatever comes out of it needs to be fixed before we could consider moving forward with it? It feels like dangling a carrot in front of her, but at least this particular carrot is something she claims she wants very badly and just maybe "for the sake of the kids" will be enough for her to at least try to straighten out. Isn't it at least worth a try?
I know where you're coming from, but It feels a dishonourable (manipulative?) way to go about things, (and I have been a master at the trying to change someone by underhand means when the direct approach doesn't work). Plus a relationship counsellor is unlikely to have the skills neccessary to understand addiction issues (in my experience). You don't need anything "to come out of it" you already know what the problem is for you, and you've told her that. I can see a number of different scenarios play out here and none of them are the result that you hanker after. Going to relationship/adoption counselling with the hope that the counsellor will see what you see, "side" with you and pronounce her an alcoholic who has to change her ways, with a result that a) she does and b) is happy about that, treating you as an equal partner with love, respect and dignity for the rest of your lives is a magical, and unlikely, outcome.
The honest, and reasonable, position you have is that you don't want her to be the legal parent of your children the way she is now (and has it seems from your description, always been) . To use that as a bargainning tool to try and get her to change sits uncomfortably with me (fully admitting I tried similar approaches
). What if she shapes up for a bit,
or appears to, you go through with it, and then once the "carrot" has been won, she slides back?
she's not sobering up for the kids right now, why would she be more likely to accept the need to from a stranger than from you, her wife, the children's mother, the person she is closest to in the world, and who shares her life?
I understand that you don't want to consider ending the relationship until
there is nothing else we/I could have done.
, but is she doing anything at all?
1 person can't fix a relationship it really does take 2 fully committed people.