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Old 10-01-2010, 06:32 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
nodaybut2day
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
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Originally Posted by evenkeel View Post
I've all ready left one long-term relationship after my ex became verbally abusive, and then she became mildly physically abusive while I was in the process of figuring out how to physically leave. You'd think that between that and leaving my previous marriage due to him being extremely controlling (among other problems) I'd be more aware of my worth as an individual. I had the strength two other times, so why don't I have it now? Why am I apparently willing to settle this time?
As suki said, you haven't reached YOUR bottom yet. When you get there, you'll know.

And, it seems to me that since you were in a horribly abusive relationship before, perhaps you feel that this one "isn't that bad", so you're not willing to drop it yet. To me, it speaks of a great lack of self-worth, and that's something that you can definitely work on in Al-Anon and individual counselling. I strongly recommend both.

I went to counselling for several months after leaving my abusive husband, and I'm about to return because I feel there are some lingering issues. It's only been a year since I left and I know that years of being codependent don't just dissappear without reflection and effort on my part.

Regarding not accompanying her to bars...I think it's an excellent first boundary. Be prepared to have her (and others) make you feel bad about it or test it. If you remain steadfast, they'll soon learn that you just can't be forced in that respect. Before you know it, you'll have quite a few boundaries that you're simply not willing to break.

As for dangling that adoption carrot, I have serious doubts that it'll achieve the effect you're looking for. To me, that sort of action speaks of manipulation, whether overt or not. Furthermore, if you really think about it, it still comes from a place of "I can change her behaviour". But you simply can't. You don't have any power over her. If she isn't willing to stop drinking for her own children, what makes you think she'll stop drinking for yours?

Spend some time thinking about YOU. What YOU want, aside from her, what YOUR dreams are. If you ever have a chance, take a peak at Codependent No More...and for a real fun trip in the land of self-discovery, I recommend The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. I adore her technique.

Keep posting! We're glad to have you here
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